As I ate swedes with my delicious meal in Stockholm, I couldn't help but chuckle to myself at the irony.
Unfortunately, the authorities didn't look quite as light heartedly at cannibalism as I.

E will be the end of me.

We've got flash floods in my area today.
I've already found myself a Rolex in a puddle.

Who said Shakespeare was irrelevant?
As he handed over the computer files of the News of the World to the police today, James Murdoch uttered the words, "This is the WinZip of our disc contents."

If Mary has 4 bananas, Paul has 8 oranges and Tariq has 2 Apples...
How spoilt is Tariq.

I thought it would be hilarious to replace my mate Tony's tea with pee. Apparently he's had a sore throat ever since.
Now he's a little horse.

Hitting on a child:
Adding an 's' on the start doesn't make it any more legal.

I keep seeing the signs "Polling Station" today, its so wrong, they come to our country... Working in coffee shops or wash cars for a living, and they get their own stations

As an athlete I've always struggled with running events, so today I've decided to try the javelin, hammer and discus.
I'm having a field day.

Bit disappointed by the stripper I got for my birthday,
I'm quite happy with the paint job on my doors at the moment

I was winding my girlfriend up the other day,
In hindsight, I should have got a traditional inflatable plastic doll but no, I had to be different...

Above all
I'm seven foot two .

This next song is called 'Lego'
Break it down.

BBC News: Steel giants Tata to lose 1500 jobs.
The clue might have been in the name...

So the head of IMF is in a 24 hour home detention and one armed guard is to be deployed at all times. That's a bit silly, a one armed man can easily be overpowered!

I've held the Longest Sprint record for 2 years running.

My wife said, "I think Barcelona will win tomorrow"
I said, "Put your money where your mouth is?"
She said, "Oi shhink arshhloer mmm mmin momorr"

Naomi Campbell is upset to be described as a chocolate bar
*Snickers*

My wife said to me "Cleaning isn't your forte"
I said "What's 'forte'"
She said "Egg and chips"

My wife threw a plate at me so I went on the counter attack.
But repeatedly punching the kitchen side-board achieved absolutely nothing.

News Headline; 'Stick' found on beach used as cricket bat actually leg bone.'
Secondary Headline; 'Bystander caught making LBW joke at scene ironically beaten to death with cricket bat.'

Having no ears is unheard of

Airline food is plane disgusting.

The club logo on my beloved football shirt has come off.
I'm crestfallen.

Today I invented a new kind of secret language. It involves repeating the word 'sorry' a certain number of times at different speeds in order to communicate.
I call it remorse code.