I have a friend who self harms; it's destroying his family.
How could you do that to your own flesh and blood?

My girlfriend's mood changes every 3.14 seconds.
She's pi-polar.

I saw a psychic yesterday and managed to cross over to the other side.
There is no way that conman was getting the chance to take me in.

I'm part of a gang which make drug deals on aeroplanes
We operate above the law.

I have two snakes strapped to my windscreen. They're my vipers.

I bought a shoe horn off some guy down in the market but it doesn't make getting my shoes off any easier.
Although it does clear the pavement ahead of me when I'm out walking.

I love my Electric Fence.
I don't know why exactly? I just can't put my finger on it.

I hate living alone. I have to load the washing machine, do the washing up and hoover myself, and then a month later I have to do it all over again.

I may be in my 50's but I still like to take care of my figure.
I Wouldn't want my action man getting damaged.

I wasn't in the mood to bury my wife's dead dog so I thought,''Stuff it.''

I met a Parkinsons victim today I could tell he was a good guy...
Very strong hand shake.

Hispanic.
It's what happens when you throw a Latin American into a lions den.

My wife always did know how to pack a suitcase perfectly.
I even managed to squeeze her big head into it.

Agatha Christie was in a pub quiz, and on a piece of paper, she was told to give another word for death.
Murder, she wrote.

If practice makes perfect, Then you're a dyslexic.

My wife suggested we try and spice things up in the bedroom.
So I hung a giant chili from the ceiling.

PC World won't give me a refund on my computer because they say that I caused the damage by stuffing it full of twenty pound notes.
It hardly seems fair when it clearly said it was running in safe mode.

I cooked for ages yesterday and made thirty very small dinners.
I'm going to make a TV series called 30 Minute Meals.

There was a man walking down the street wearing a big coat. The hood on his jacket kept leaping about frantically and people are throwing money into it.
I asked him
"Do you earn a lot doing that?"
The man replies
"Yea! It's my lively hood."

Does anyone know what a job bowl is ? My girlfriend said she would give me one if i solved this anagram ( wolb boj ) can't wait to find out .

I moved to America to try and make money from telling jokes but...
None of them make any cents.

I've just took on a seven foot black man.
It's mandatory to have a minority employee nowadays.

I went to Liverpool to watch the Grand National, but I never got into the course to see the race.
I was refused Aintree.

English grammar?
That's as easy as counting two three.

Im being sued over copyright issues after the naming of my Uk Based Trachea distribution company
British Airways