A friend asked me, "What do you think of O J Simpson?"
"A freakin' maniac."
"He may be a maniac but just because he's black doesn't mean he's from Africa you racist."

My first words were "The Holocaust was a lie"
I'm a man of Jewish dissent

Wednesday night saw Real Madrid's cup run over for another year.

I don't know why local environmentalists are objecting to the 'Save the tree' scheme as I've saved over a hundred trees since I started.
They're stacked in my back garden.

A bloke driving a horse and cart fired a musket ball through my windscreen. To be fair, i was on a duel carriage way.

I've just got back from a trip to Texas and I can tell you that it has certainly changed since I was a kid.
Homebase is a stupid name for starters.

I've opened a shop selling sledges.
Sales are going downhill lately.

I don't understand people who can't empathise!

I appeared in court today.
Judge was pretty impressed with my magic trick.

I didn't have the best childhood. My dad used to beat me and my siblings.
He was far better at scrabble than us.

It is actually impossible to get a modern digital camera out of focus.
They only sell DIY stuff.

Sure, the Bagpipes may not be the nicest instrument in the world, but you've really got to respect a man who can blow, squeeze and finger all at the same time.

My new book on hostages will be released next week.

My friend asked me last night if I liked hanging from the ceiling, spinning round.
I replied, 'I'm not a fan.'

What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Joanna Yeates?
Madeline had a good roast this christmas

I've just called BAA.
I do other farmyard animals too.

My mate said to me, "I really fancy a McDonald's."
I thought, "That's a weird fetish."

Our school teachers never did let us shorten Francesca Rash's christian name.

Just reading a new book on big wild cats called Tiger Attack, by Claude Tobitz

Pulp Fiction - ''Orange juice is made from apples''

I was out shopping in Thorntons with my girlfriend and thought I would 'tickle my fancy'...
That's the last time I'll do that in a public place.

I invested all my savings into buying a share of a new block of flats that my friend is building, only to find that my section directly overlooks Prince William's bedroom.
I'm going to sell my storey to The Sun.

My mate said, "How did you know I like narrating?"
I said,"You tell me"

Today, I thought of a different word for 'every'.
That is all.

At the crematorium I noticed that it took the same amount of time to burn a Paki and a white person. This proves that, in God's eyes, we are all cremated equal.