I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

I said to the judge "I do not recognise this court". He asked "On what grounds?" I said "You've redecorated,haven't you?"

Me and my wife really love each other.
Unfortunately Each Other hates us for giving him such an 'apparent' ridiculous name.

I often get called all the names under the sun
I don't let any of them get to me, not even
"Dave, get out from under my son."

My mate Dominic was shot dead while waiting outside an Indian Takeaway last night.
I was shocked when I found out. I thought "Why him? He hasn't done anything to anyone."
"Why would anyone want to pop a dom?"

I finally broke my ornamental boat today.
It was only a maritime.

Religion:
Putting the 'lie' in belief for thousands of years.

My ageing wife is starting to get quite depressed now she's going through the change.
I've got no sympathy though, I gave her twenty quid last week so she's only got herself to blame if she's failed to budget.

i got chucked out out of the opticians yesterday for telling the blond receptionist she had an IQ of 2
i mean there was only me and a guy trying to get some new contact lenses in there.

I was playing with an electrical charge when a small earthquake occured.I got zapped.
I even got a bit of aftershock as well.

Every day this week I have had to sack people at work because of the recession.
We used to be able to afford proper body bags at the mortuary.

My wife bought some of those safety knives, the ones without the sharp tip at the end of the blade,
I thought "well that's pointless"

Sky News:George Michael is moved to 'Softer' Prison.
"And there's us thinking he liked it harder?"

what did the Chinese cat say?
Mao

I'm going to the cemetery with some coconut shavings to dessicate some graves.

My missus is always driving me round the bend.
One day she'll learn how to use roundabouts properly.

My dentist treated me like a king today.
He told me I should have a crown.

Hispanic.
An amateur bullfighter.

I have a big book that I like to keep a record of all my children's milestones in . But marking their height on the doorframe , that's where I draw the line .

I visited the particle physics laboratory, CERN, in Geneva the other day. I signed up for the tour, and found out to my pleasant surprise that the tour guide was an attractive young research student.
I was going to go for it, but it got a bit awkward when she noticed my hadron.

I just bought a book that narrates the life of a car from the viewpoint of the car itself. Good autobiography.

I walked past a barber's today who only serves sheep and thought,''That's shear madness.''

The French love to eat rabbits.
Yeah, they're lapin 'em up.

BBC Radio Five Live : Ashes Breakfast
With my wife's cooking, I get one of those every morning.

Self is a word in itself.