I found a magic lamp the other day, and wished for a drink. Got a djinn and tonic.

Since my Trepanation I have become a lot more open minded

tr...well...that's only HALF true...

I want my son to be a successful comic when he's older.
So I named him Marvel.

Struggling to find work?
Buy a Sat-Nav.

I wouldn't have Parker in the side.
You are always worried he'll give away a Pen..

I'm not very good at algebra, and I can't work out y.

Instead of S&M I've started shopping in H&M.
The humilation is much greater.

What do you call a domino thief?
Dominic.

My wife brought home a kitten yesterday. I was fuming, "I hate cats" I said.
"Why don't you sleep on it", she said.
Problem Solved.

Liberty X reuniting?
Or is that just Hearsay?

Chainsaws.
Slowly putting smaller independent saws out of business since 1940.

Food fights.
All fun and games 'til someone loses a pie.

I replaced some lights in my house today
I handed the old ones down to my girlfriend
She asked "are they heavy?"
I said "no, its a light fitting"

Critics have noted that the diabetic boxer should use his jab more.

I was going to say that the Sooties had a clean Sweep.
But I'm afraid they'll Sue.

I bought some paranoid beans. All you do is tail them, and they top themselves.

Phil in the blank: ____PHIL____

My wife said she was thinking of taking up art lessons.
I said,"You'd be good at that."
She seemed surprised by my support and said," Really?"
I said," Yeah, you're good at drawing the wrong conclusion."

I met an American in the pub last night who seemed to think he could work out people's names by how they smell.
He wasn't very good at it though; my name is Paul but he said I smell like a John.

I never let being drunk stop me from doing my bit for the environment.
Every Friday night I make sure my wife's lights go out.

What do infertile men and mobile phones have in common?
Neither make Siemens any more.

I've been working on a new catch phrase.
Think I'm going to go with 'Gotcha'.

She was only the cricketers daughter, but she could take a full toss in her crease.

My mate designs golf gear and I design tennis equipment.
He says his job is harder than mine but it's hardly racquet science.