After accidentally getting my lover pregnant, I took her to get an abortion.
It was the end of an error.

Saw two Downs Syndrome kids trying to stick a poster with saliva.
They were glueless.

My girlfriend was having a go about my womanizing. She said "for the love of all that is holy, why can't you keep it in your pants?"
I couldn't help but mention that it was my love of things with holes that started the argument in the first place.

A Pub is selling beers for all 32 World Cup countries. For example, Foster's for Australia, Budweiser for the USA and Carlsberg for Denmark.
If you want a taste of North or South Korea, pop in early morning for a hair of the dog.

Alan Hansen doesn't think that Paul the Octopus will predict the winner for the final.
He said, "You'll never win anything with squids".

Got booked off sick with Gammon flue today. It used to be swine flu, but then I got cured.

I've started going to the gym 3 times a week recently.
Im the cleaner.

Just seen a play called Werthers. It wasn't all that but at least it was original.

One day, a man was considering his life and said, 'i wish i could help people'. After much deliberation he decides to run for local parliament. Unexpectedly, he wins in a landslide victory. After a week on the job he has completely eradicated unemployment. He has decreased crime by 80% and improved the standard of living dramatically.
But he thinks to himself, 'I could do more for the world'. So he decides to run for state parliament. Once again, he wins by a hefty margin. So he gets to work, and within the month the entire state is out of the economic crisis, unemployment is at 0.5% and crime is at an all time low.
But still, he feels that it is not enough. By the years end he has become Prime-minister, Halfed the countries carbon footprint, lowered taxes, and created the highest standard of living in the entire world.
Now, he feels that he has helped his country enough, so he decides to retire, settle down, spend more time with his family.
One day, during his retirement, he decides to go to the pub for a well earned drink. Once there, he discovers across a huge line, and thinks to himself, 'you know, im pretty sure there is a bottle shop around the corner, ill go there instead'. So off he goes. As it happens, there is also a huge line there aswell. Now he is quite thirsty, he really would like a drink.
Getting impatient, he thinks, 'okay, a new place just opened up down the road that sells punch. It's relatively unheard of, so surely there wont be a line'. So he walks down the road, heads into the shop.
Turns out there's no punch line.

I was feeling quite happy when i was rolling a joint earlier.
I'm always easily amused at the butchers.

"Duran Duran" to headline at the Olympics Opening Concert.
Let's hope they don't pick "The Specials" for the Paralympics.

So the Haye-Chisora fight has been given the go ahead.
I'm not convinced, I think Haye might bottle it.

'The son won't make an appearance yet, with a minimal chance of reign.' - Prince Charles

I hate that my dad is such a playa. Makes me feel like a little son of a beach.

Just opened a brand new box of cereal to find it empty except for an IOU. That's the last time I buy Credit Crunchies.

'Apparently Women's best beauty treatments cost less than 10 quid'
I agree. 3 pints for your fella and stand further away.

I started a fire in the house last week and my son died.
My wife was surprisingly supportive when I told her that I've always loved arson.

in 1994, the scatman was a dance music smash hit. Nowadays he'd be the most disgusting superhero ever,

My wife is painting our hallway today, she's struggling a bit with the front door though, that's where I come in.

My mate got the sack from the Royal Mail this morning.
And set off on his daily round.

The Orange advert didn't go down too well in China.
When they heard 'The futures bright', six thousand farmers shot themselves.

I've spent all night watching the stupid football.
I need to get a television.

I told an antisemitic joke to a Jew whilst in a mine.
He was deeply offended.

My daughter is a university student at Harvard in America, but she said she wants to swim for Great Britain.
"I know it's bad honey," I said on the phone to her, "But that is over 3000 miles of open water."

I saw a young lad struggling to climb a wall today
"You need some help mate?" I called
"Yeah please, my ball is over there, can you give me a boost?"he replied
"No problem" I said walking over
It's amazing how a simple bar of chocolate saved the day.