After accidentally getting my lover pregnant, I took her to get an abortion.
It was the end of an error.

Saw two Downs Syndrome kids trying to stick a poster with saliva.
They were glueless.

My girlfriend was having a go about my womanizing. She said "for the love of all that is holy, why can't you keep it in your pants?"
I couldn't help but mention that it was my love of things with holes that started the argument in the first place.

A Pub is selling beers for all 32 World Cup countries. For example, Foster's for Australia, Budweiser for the USA and Carlsberg for Denmark.
If you want a taste of North or South Korea, pop in early morning for a hair of the dog.

Alan Hansen doesn't think that Paul the Octopus will predict the winner for the final.
He said, "You'll never win anything with squids".

Got booked off sick with Gammon flue today. It used to be swine flu, but then I got cured.

I've started going to the gym 3 times a week recently.
Im the cleaner.

I hate that my dad is such a playa. Makes me feel like a little son of a beach.

Just opened a brand new box of cereal to find it empty except for an IOU. That's the last time I buy Credit Crunchies.

'Apparently Women's best beauty treatments cost less than 10 quid'
I agree. 3 pints for your fella and stand further away.

I started a fire in the house last week and my son died.
My wife was surprisingly supportive when I told her that I've always loved arson.

in 1994, the scatman was a dance music smash hit. Nowadays he'd be the most disgusting superhero ever,

My wife is painting our hallway today, she's struggling a bit with the front door though, that's where I come in.

My mate got the sack from the Royal Mail this morning.
And set off on his daily round.

The Orange advert didn't go down too well in China.
When they heard 'The futures bright', six thousand farmers shot themselves.

I've spent all night watching the stupid football.
I need to get a television.

I told an antisemitic joke to a Jew whilst in a mine.
He was deeply offended.

My daughter is a university student at Harvard in America, but she said she wants to swim for Great Britain.
"I know it's bad honey," I said on the phone to her, "But that is over 3000 miles of open water."

I saw a young lad struggling to climb a wall today
"You need some help mate?" I called
"Yeah please, my ball is over there, can you give me a boost?"he replied
"No problem" I said walking over
It's amazing how a simple bar of chocolate saved the day.

I think my wife is going to leave me because of my obsession with Sci-Fi programmes. To be quite honest though I hope she does.
Torch wood.

i make a tidy profit selling cleaning products

I'm giving up on my attempts to write funny scissors jokes, they just aren't cutting it

I worked as a kiln operator for a few weeks.
But I ended up getting fired.

'Rise in domestic abuse levels after Old Firm matches'.
Is there anything the Scottish don't prefer battered?.

I got myself a nice pair of speakers today, I love stealing from the debating society.