There was a guy, who one day had had enough with mediocrity, that decided to try and hit the big time by expanding his paddling pool business. So he sought out a specialist, and asked what he needed to do in order to make it work.
The specialist mysteriously replies, 'Ahhh, depends.'
The owner, clearly not happy with this answer, demands the specialist to say what he means.
'No, no, no! You've misinterpreted what I said' explains the specialist, 'I meant you need deep ends!'

The closest I ever come to recycling is doing the same route every day on my mountain bike.

Why did my sister quit being a Jehovah's witness?
She got knocked up.

I sprayed my angry black friend with bleach.
I was trying to lighten him up.

I find it quite hard talking to Children.
But I've noticed if I shift my leg to the side they don't notice

I got run over by three old men going down a hill in a bathtub. Can I claim for compo?

President Hugo Chavez made a triumphant address to the nation, on returning to Venezuela after cancer surgery.
For his first appearance, thousands of supporters went Caracas.

I was caught fingering a bird in a cupboard at my club and chucked out
..... Looking back it probaly was against RSPB rules

The wife dragged me round the shops earlier and when we were standing in Cath Kidston I noticed a really scruffy Arab standing next to me.
I think he was a shabby Sheikh.

For a laugh I stuck a potato up my mates car exhaust.
He had the last laugh though, when it shot out and hit me in the eye.
Looks like It backfired.

I used to be a reconstructive plastic surgeon, but I just couldn't face it any more.

I asked my mate what the date was yesterday, he said it's the 11th of May, it's actually a palindrome "11/5/11"
I said yeah, so's your "mum"

Just been sat watching TV and there is absolultly nothing on at all.
I really should turn it on.

The scarecrow was very effective. Now we have starlings.

Isn't it fitting that when you want to correct or improve something you've written you 'white out', but when you don't want people to see the truth you 'black out'.

Sodomy - when there's nothing on the telly and your Dad is also in a curious mood

As I strolled around the library contemplating which book to read this week, I couldn't help notice 2 infants learning to share in the play area. I looked over and smiled at them, they really touched me. I was ejected from the premises shortly after

Upon hearing the news of Osama Bin Laden's death, my nan said: "What that man did to New York was really wicked."
I wholeheartedly agree with what Nan said, but I really don't think it sounds right for a woman of her advanced years to be using '80s slang.

Went to my hematologist today and he said my outlook is good because I'm a B Positive type.

I recently hacked into the bank account of a famous musician and transferred 250 000 to my current account.
I'm living life on the edge.

Im really looking forward to the next year of my agricultural degree. I've got a year in the field.

A top english professor was earlier found dead at his home,with various letters scrolled all over his body.
Police are treating the death as suspicious, and suspect vowel play.

My boss delivered a riveting demonstration at work today.
But he broke the rivet gun halfway through and just had to explain the rest

I broke into the International Tall People's Society Headquarters.
All the alarms were raised.

My wife knows hundreds of photography jokes.
You can't shutter up.