I found an old return train ticket from 1975 in my wallet today.
It took me back.

Just seen a play called Werthers. It wasn't all that but at least it was original.

One day, a man was considering his life and said, 'i wish i could help people'. After much deliberation he decides to run for local parliament. Unexpectedly, he wins in a landslide victory. After a week on the job he has completely eradicated unemployment. He has decreased crime by 80% and improved the standard of living dramatically.
But he thinks to himself, 'I could do more for the world'. So he decides to run for state parliament. Once again, he wins by a hefty margin. So he gets to work, and within the month the entire state is out of the economic crisis, unemployment is at 0.5% and crime is at an all time low.
But still, he feels that it is not enough. By the years end he has become Prime-minister, Halfed the countries carbon footprint, lowered taxes, and created the highest standard of living in the entire world.
Now, he feels that he has helped his country enough, so he decides to retire, settle down, spend more time with his family.
One day, during his retirement, he decides to go to the pub for a well earned drink. Once there, he discovers across a huge line, and thinks to himself, 'you know, im pretty sure there is a bottle shop around the corner, ill go there instead'. So off he goes. As it happens, there is also a huge line there aswell. Now he is quite thirsty, he really would like a drink.
Getting impatient, he thinks, 'okay, a new place just opened up down the road that sells punch. It's relatively unheard of, so surely there wont be a line'. So he walks down the road, heads into the shop.
Turns out there's no punch line.

I was feeling quite happy when i was rolling a joint earlier.
I'm always easily amused at the butchers.

"Duran Duran" to headline at the Olympics Opening Concert.
Let's hope they don't pick "The Specials" for the Paralympics.

So the Haye-Chisora fight has been given the go ahead.
I'm not convinced, I think Haye might bottle it.

'The son won't make an appearance yet, with a minimal chance of reign.' - Prince Charles

My Wife is suicidal due to her fear of light.
I told her to look on the bright side.

Pavlov's first attempt at conditioning his dogs just left them with lovely shiny fur.

Me and my mates are growing some weed.
I would take the credit but to be honest its a joint effort...

My daughter just walked in on me and saw my erection.
I nearly had a stroke!

I bought my wife a 52" LG for her birthday.
Now she's got no excuse not to do the washing.

Irelands number one Tinie Tempah tribute act is called Little Paddy.

I've been invited to a party,
The dress code is B170ADG10.

When my friend got depressed, he called me to say he was going to jump from a cliff....
That was when I knew, he'd hit rock bottom.

I thought I could get benefit money from being an amputee victim.
Now I'm just stumped for cash.

Some midget said I had an unfair height advantage during a snooker game.
So I thought,"Give it a rest."

I told my friend earlier that I'd heard Marie Osmond is going to be in one of the worst films ever made.
"Warner Brothers?" He said
"I already have" I replied

Just heard a Jewish woman in Australia has been made a saint.
St Ruth!

If Kelly Rowland yells "Put it down," again, I will send her a dead puppy.

I'd like to see a musical version of Saw with dance routines. We could call it Jigsaw.

"Paint it Black" is a song with many dye mentions.

My Dad always taught me, 'No pain, no gain!' Although apparantly it's not the most tactful thing to say to your girlfriend during her time of the month

Went into a boat repair yard this morning.
"Excuse me but can you repair my rubber dinghy? " I asked the man.
"Why certainly sir." He replied " It's no hardship."

I've been reported to the police for stalking.
Oh Deer.