I think my wife is going to leave me because of my obsession with Sci-Fi programmes. To be quite honest though I hope she does.
Torch wood.

i make a tidy profit selling cleaning products

I'm giving up on my attempts to write funny scissors jokes, they just aren't cutting it

I worked as a kiln operator for a few weeks.
But I ended up getting fired.

'Rise in domestic abuse levels after Old Firm matches'.
Is there anything the Scottish don't prefer battered?.

I got myself a nice pair of speakers today, I love stealing from the debating society.

I found an old return train ticket from 1975 in my wallet today.
It took me back.

My Wife is suicidal due to her fear of light.
I told her to look on the bright side.

Pavlov's first attempt at conditioning his dogs just left them with lovely shiny fur.

Me and my mates are growing some weed.
I would take the credit but to be honest its a joint effort...

My daughter just walked in on me and saw my erection.
I nearly had a stroke!

I bought my wife a 52" LG for her birthday.
Now she's got no excuse not to do the washing.

Irelands number one Tinie Tempah tribute act is called Little Paddy.

I've been invited to a party,
The dress code is B170ADG10.

When my friend got depressed, he called me to say he was going to jump from a cliff....
That was when I knew, he'd hit rock bottom.

I thought I could get benefit money from being an amputee victim.
Now I'm just stumped for cash.

Some midget said I had an unfair height advantage during a snooker game.
So I thought,"Give it a rest."

I told my friend earlier that I'd heard Marie Osmond is going to be in one of the worst films ever made.
"Warner Brothers?" He said
"I already have" I replied

Just heard a Jewish woman in Australia has been made a saint.
St Ruth!

If Kelly Rowland yells "Put it down," again, I will send her a dead puppy.

I'd like to see a musical version of Saw with dance routines. We could call it Jigsaw.

"Paint it Black" is a song with many dye mentions.

My Dad always taught me, 'No pain, no gain!' Although apparantly it's not the most tactful thing to say to your girlfriend during her time of the month

Went into a boat repair yard this morning.
"Excuse me but can you repair my rubber dinghy? " I asked the man.
"Why certainly sir." He replied " It's no hardship."

I've been reported to the police for stalking.
Oh Deer.