I was on the phone when I tripped over some laundry and nearly fell down the stairs .
Phew! That was a clothes call

The fat kid at school has been eating his Maths homework.
Rather justifies our chants of "Who ate all the Pi's?"

I saw the bus that goes past my house from my office window.
In a moment of nostalgia I thought, "That takes me back".

When I see someone with a pierced lip, I wonder what bait was used.

When I argue with my wife I like to end the argument by saying the word "Zyxt".
That way I get to have the last word.

This random woman keeps having a go at me for my 'obsession' with biblical figures.
What a weirdo. I don't even Noah.

Nike are currently branching out into The Netherlands with their latest, hi-tech trainers.
Clever clogs.

Those andrex puppies have been voted the most recognisable animals on t.v. for the fifth year running.
Sounds like they're on a roll to me.

Getting idioms wrong really is the vein of my life

A few of my friends told me they were getting sick of my frequent Lord of the Rings references.
I told them I wouldn't make a hobbit of it.

My son is just at the age where he's started crawling
kerbs.

I was in North America recently, when someone stopped me and asked - "Excuse me, how far's Chicago?" I said "about another 30 miles, the petrol's on red".

Ooh, a concealed bow and arrow? I quiver in my boots.

The other day, a mate said to me "I really need a program to write stuff."
I replied "Word."
He said "Glad you agree, now do you have any recommendations?"

I've just watched Nip/Tuck.
Or as it's more commonly known, "Rush Hour".

I wouldn't be caught dead in the recovery room.

Did I ever tell you what happened after I was arrested in a middle eastern country?
I ran.

Sales of my new book "How to save money by cutting down your telephone use" have slumped.
The book shop said there's been no call for it.

How many times are we going to hear about a Steps comeback?? 5? 6? 7? 8?

I just watched a TV ad for Old Jamaica Ginger Beer that said "You can't beat an Old Jamaican".
Challenge accepted.

I was mentally undressing this girl the other day when I thought to myself. This would be a lot easier without the straightjacket

Why did the midget's wife leave him?
Because he had a small part in Snow White

I rang the Surgeons Direct helpline this morning.
All of their operators were busy.

My friend and I are seeing who can choke them self with a power cable for the longest.
He's still in the lead.

I once stole an accupuncturist's pin's....
Needleless to say he wasn't happy.