I saw a headline in the paper that said "Millwall firm favourites for West Ham clash"
I can't believe they would encourage football hooliganism like that.

My local pub called the Fawcett Inn have anounced there going to make there own cider
Its going to be called 'Fawcett Inn Cider'

BBC news: Red Arrows fly to home base.
I don't think they will stock anything in there to repair the broken one?

I live in a really small village where everybody suffers terribly with head lice..
It's a close nit community.

Paddy Doherty in the Celebrity Big Brother house said he feels like a fish out of water...
That would be a Pike-y then.

My girlfriend left me because of my dream to be a news anchor.
More on this later.

Random jokes aren't everyone's cup of shredded seagull.

theres a tribe south of africa who detest all types of clock and watches.
they are a race against time

The first time I saw a dry-erase board I said, "wow, that is remarkable"

My impression of a stage lighting technician is spot on.

Welcome back to the world ironing championship where the drama is unfolding.

I think i'm interbred.
I love Naan.

My wife arrived back from the psychiatrist crying her eyes out, apparently she has OCD.
I said "Dont be upset honey, we'll get through this, you can count on me"

I want to ask my wife about her fear of stairs
I think I'll escalator

I like the word "or". Its short, simple and to the point.
Alternatively...

I've just seen a guy standing in the middle of the busy road, all dressed in black, in the dark.
Not the brightest man in the world.

What has paracetamol's and the knife that I stabbed my wife with have in common?
They both kill pains.

Billy Ocean - The new face and sponser of Vaseline,
Because love really hurts without you.

One of my friends killed himself by jumping into a septic tank.
It was sewercide.

I was found guilty after spraying the word 'cublip' on a wall.
It was a public order offence.

I said, "I'm thinking of growing a beard. Do you think I could pull off a beard?"
My wife said, "Yeah, but it would really hurt"

We had this quiz at school today, and I didn't get Anything wrong! Sadly I got Nothing wrong, and Something wrong. The easiest one was Difficult, and the one I would say I was most proud of myself for getting right was Incorrect. My Overall was perfect; Nevertheless I could have done better. I succeeded in Failing, but messed up my Chance. My Grandma was right.
In other words, I got six out of ten in my spelling test.

I asked my mate from Belfast why he didn't like currants. He said,
"Ah, no good raisin."

Incest... I can relate to that.

How does Prince Charles get on at table tennis when he forgets his paddles?
He has to play it by ear.