My wife wanted me to change the duvets.
It's alright though, I've got them covered.

I get really frustrated trying to spell the word banana, I keep slipping up on it

I tried to e-mail my commiserations to Andy Murray after he lost to Nadal yesterday but unfortunately I couldn't connect to the server.

I bought some baby potatoes earlier.
He just looked at them and dribbled.

Why do milking stools only have 3 legs?
Because the cows got the udder!

My black mate dreads Father's Day.
Then again, he's a Rasta and dreads every day.

What do homeless women use during their periods?
Trampax

I don't want to toot my own horn, but...
...I'm not going to slow down for those children in the road.

My friend decided to barge his way past the traffic to work today. I never knew he had a boat.

There's this stunning girl at our work, even thinking about her gives you such a feel-good boost.
That's Sarah Tonin for you.

I don't see the point in blunt pencils.

Most of my mates wear expensive cowboy trousers.
They're nice chaps.

Got a bad virus from something I ate on holiday. Suspect it was ebola soup.

I'm getting very close to breaking the world record for stacking chunks of beef,
it's getting nervous though, with every chunk I add
the steaks are getting higher...

When women ask me what I do they are horrified when I tell them I'm a stalker.
I had thought that being an apprentice florist would get me in with the ladies.

My wife is pregnant and the doctors have a suspicion my baby will have Downs Syndrome.
I really hope they can tell the difference between right and mong.

Can't wait for spring, will have the usual 50 bet with my neighbour over who's lambs will run faster and jump higher. I love gamboling

If you hit someone with a rhythm stick.
They may sustain an Ian Dury.

Just been to see my leper friend in hospital whos been self harming.
He told me he's been doing grate.

I'm dating a French mathematician who has an obsession for square numbers.
She's really starting to get on my neufs.

I helped an immigrant slip past customs today
I stuck my foot out when he tried to make a run for it.

When people ask me where I'm from, I always say ''a lovely little village in Hertfordshire, not far from Knebworth, called St Evenage.''
It sounds better than Stevenage.

I thought my days as a paedophile were numbered but it turns out I'm still in good touch.

I just noticed that someone had spray painted a stencil of a black horse on the side of a building.
I think it's a Lloyd's Banksy.

My missus had a face lift today.
I pressed 'close door' on the elevator before she managed to get in properly.