I thought my days as a paedophile were numbered but it turns out I'm still in good touch.

I just noticed that someone had spray painted a stencil of a black horse on the side of a building.
I think it's a Lloyd's Banksy.

My missus had a face lift today.
I pressed 'close door' on the elevator before she managed to get in properly.

I once got asked to do a sketch of an old gameshow host dressed up as a Charlies Angel.
I drew Barrymore.

I often reminisce about adverbs, now and again.

I bought a pair of designer Calvin Kleins boxer shorts off the internet.
The least he could've done was wash them first.

I got in trouble with the RSCPA because it's apparently "Inhumane" to shoot a horse with a cannon...
"Especially without a safety net".

Last year in Africa me and my mates saw some poor black kids kicking an empty can around.We felt sorry for them and decided to join them.
We had a ball.

I was playing Sunday league football against a team from the asylum.
There were some strong tackles going in.
I said to the ref, "Christ, these defenders are committed, aren't they?"
"Yeah," he replied, "even the manager's in for two counts of murder."

My mate had hiccups earlier, so I decided to throw a crate full of mints at him.
I used scare tic tacs.

BBC NEWS: Detectives in the Sian O'Callaghan murder inquiry are searching for missing links.
They wouldn't have had this problem if they used Right guard, it has 48 hour protection.

I tried to get a refund on my incomplete backgammon set.
No dice.

I remember the first pick up line I used on my wife
A winch

I dont get americans - "our leaders black , our leader black!"
Ours was brown but we dont bang on about it!

A potato walks up to a bag of crisps and says:
"Man, you've changed."

Really proud of myself, just past a spelling test.

If I ever become a pilot I'm gonna shout "WE'RE GOING DOWN" everytime I land the plane.

Hablan
Thats sounds like A Plan

The rulers of the Ottoman Empire must have had plenty of places to put their feet up.

Did very well again in this years anti-chivalry tournament...
I always come in first.

I took a trip to see the South Downs earlier.
They're just as funny as the northern spastics.

BBC NEWS: "Camerons visit late son's school"
Little harsh of the school calling up Mr Cameron about his son being late into school considering he died last year.

I hope Gillian Mckeith gets eaten by a snake tonight.. And the snake takes its time to experience the texture and nutriants within.

My friend faked his own death to get insurance money by falling into quick-sand.
Some people can sink so low...

Trike:
A lesbian 3-way.