I think Steve Coogan reckons it's Christmas already.
I just saw him sitting in a pear tree.

Commentator (Andy Townsend): " he's given the square ball away."
That would be a cube Andy.

Have you ever noticed how popular observational comedy is?

I've been going out with my native American girlfriend for a while now.
So last night I decided to go down on bended knee.

What's the difference between Greengrocers and men who watch X Factor?
Greengrocers have a pear.

I have a thing for telephone operators.
They're so engaging.

I was doing the usual duty as a forensic scientist today when a case came up of a guy who got killed by mistake in an attempt to be knocked out twice.
During the autopsy I opened his chest and next to his heart was a note saying "whose there!!!??"
Everyone else in the room laughed, apparently it was an inside joke....

What's a French man's favourite car?
A Baguettey Veyron

I'm in the army and my mate keeps telling me there is something going round the camp.
How many times do I have to keep telling him it's the perimeter fence.

I stabbed a Galatasary fan to death with a wrench
I really put a spanner in the Turks.

I know someone who has limbs out of place and kills children for pleasure.
He is a twisted man.

My son's English teacher suggested he needed to develop a sharp command of our language.
With little effort, he transformed his words into a sword.

Nothing says I love you like a human speech box.

My wife's face reminds me of California.
It's a state.

I'm a director and I'm looking for someone to act as a bee for a new film.
If any one is interested, give me a buzz.

I bought a shoe horn last week.
Still can't get a decent tune out of it.

I couldn't believe it the other day when I saw a man squeezing his kid's nipples, and shortly after there was a thick white liquid all over the floor...
Then again, I suppose farmers have to milk their goats somehow.

My wife has just text me to say that she's bought a Siamese Cat.
I can't wait to get home and see it.
I've never seen a cat with 2 heads before.

"Electricity's cleaner than gas".
Well, that's current thinking.

What do you call a Paki copper on ITV cop show The Bill?
Sunil.

There I was, just getting my face hacked to pieces by a madman, when a hot lady in the corner caught my eye.

I've just managed to discharge a friction generated electrical charge that's been building up in my body whilst driving by stepping out of the vehicle, standing on the ground and touching the metal frame of the car.
I'm ex-static.

My friend told me he was putting his life savings into maufacturing a board game in which armies move around a map of the world, conquering territories and earning reinforcements.
Sounds a bit Risky.

Currys.
Ironically the only major chain store that isn't completely run by foreigners.

BBC News: "Boy, four, found dead in tumble dryer in Ashbourne home."
I guess the trampoline in their garden just didn't have enough bounce.