I am totally against battery farming.
I believe tractors should run on diesel.

My wife just left me after making me choose between her and my enormous collection of gadgets.
I have now been left to my own devices.

England certainly aren't going to be Hungary tonight after they get stuffed.

I performed an operation earlier to save a young boy's hearing.
I think it may have gone wrong though, he told me he feels sound.

So my girlfriend said to me 'how come you always walk in front of me?'
I said 'I'm sorry, I don't follow you'.

My chinese friend said he would like to take on more responsibility at the family restaurant.
I told him he was too far down on the peking order.

I keep trying to think of jokes about anorexic thieves....but it's slim pickings.

Figures show that girls are getting fatter.

Capital punishment - It's a sensitive case. Or is it case sensitive?

Ive changed my Mobile provider from O2 to a new service called Gypsy
It has Free Roaming

Nurse, I swear I didn't mean to touch you! It must be the Parkinson's.
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

In a recent accident at work I lost my foot. As result, I now stand at an angle.
I would sue, but I'm not that way inclined..

Ironically The One Show is The One Show I always avoid on TV

Just swore at the artist who has painted my portrait.
Most unlike me.

I was looking forward to three good meals a day with plenty of exercise and recreation, but the judge gave me community service.

I hate it when you put my iPod to shuffle and it starts moonwalking instead.

After all the commotion about a possible fuel shortage I thought I'd take the safe option and go to my nearest petrol station and fill my tank with fuel.
My wife is gonna kill me. Once again I've decided it's more important to be able to drive an armoured vehicle around town rather than our family car.

I've joined a rap band with my fellow train constructors.
We have a couple of good tracks.

Asian school kid has one night stand.
But has to replace it with a bigger one because it can't fit all his books.

Living with my wife there is never a dull moment.
It's a continuous one.

My wife's water just broke.
I'm going to write to Evian for a refund.

My mate told me the end to a great film yesterday right at the beginning, and I got so cross.
I stormed out in a rage and smashed the back of his car.
I hate spoilers.

For her birthday, the wife has asked me to get her a personal trainer.
So I've taken one of her Nike's and wrote her name on it.

I visited 'Motown' on a recent trip to America.
Everyone had a really nice lawn.

I saw an angry insect sitting on my french pastry.
It was a Croissant.