Putting the first letters of footballers names on their training tops was my initial idea.

'Brokeback Mountain voted best On-Screen Love Affair'
I cried when I watched it. It looked painful.

Why, I thought to myself, is the letter before Z.

I met a black man today. He said to me his name was Martin Luther King.
'Really'? I asked
'No I'm only Joe King'

A couple of Mexican wrestlers barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.
I tried to help, but I could only knock juan out.

I recently signed up for a website dedicated to science calculators.
It won't let me Log In.

I wanted to take the trash out the other night but she said she was feeling ill.

My wife has just lost a stone,
It'll be a great loss to her rock collection.

A,U! Wanna hear a joke about gold?

You think you're going to say something that can make me laugh?
You must be joking.

"Honey, I've been a very naughty boy."
It was by far the worst possible way to learn of my wife's turbulent past.

As a child I was raised by my Nan...
She was brilliant at poker.

My mother would always say that she envisioned that I would grow up to be a famous actor, receiving awards and recognition all the time.
Not long later, I shouted proudly - "This is for you mum!"
As I gave her the Big Mac Meal from behind the counter at McDonalds.

My mother would always say that she envisioned that I would grow up to be a famous actor, receiving awards and recognition all the time.
Not long later, I shouted proudly - "This is for you mum!"
As I gave her the Big Mac Meal from behind the counter at McDonalds.

my wife, my daughter, my son, my mother, my father, my mother-in-law and my father-in-law have all left me due to my
obsession with Bingo
I'm glad they did anyway, it was a full house.

I was shocked when I found out my friend who's part African, Asian, Australian, European and American is a racist. He of all people.

I recently fell into some money. Unfortunately it was only 5 pounds, so I broke my nose

My goal before the end of next month is to fix my camera
Now that's something to focus on.

Do dyslexic Yorkshiremen wear catflaps?

This turban makes me Sikh.

The wife finally drifted off last night......
She was asleep as soon as her head hit the hammer

"Can I have a cup of beef stock, please?" I asked the waiter.
He replied "Sure, let me just boil the cattle."

I was doing a bit of scuba diving on an old German sub wreck.
I wasn't sure what I'd found, so I took parts to the British Maritime Museum.
"Oooh, it's a bit of an enigma," the curator told me.
He obviously wasn't that good at his job, I thought.

I went up to Tony the Tiger yesterday and asked "What do you think of my trainers?" *wink wink*
"They're alright..." He replied.

I always pack a carton in my son's bag...
The kids at his school pay top prices for cigarettes.