I need a resilient device, like a helical metal coil of some sort, that can be pressed or pulled but returns to its former shape when released, in order to exert constant tension or absorb movement.
But nothing springs to mind.

I was watching the film 'Mulholland Drive' the other day, but I just couldn't work out what was going on.
Probably because there were so many pot holes.

My daughter bought a pair of designer thongs today for just five pounds.
Not to be sniffed at.

I made a glaring mistake that cost me a few teeth yesterday.
I frowned at a guy in a pub in Glasgow.

Why did the right angle triangle go to the beach?
Because it was 90 degrees.

BBC Sport News: Northern Ireland's Clingan fit to play in Estonia.
However, Estonia's Vulcan drops to the reserves.

I spent all of last week trying to trace my father.
I didn't succeed though.
I couldn't find a piece of paper big enough

My boss has an office with an automatic fire door. If anyone steps through it, they're automatically fired.

I got disqualified from a lolly licking contest.
I sucked at it.

I came home from work one day to find that my wife had collapsed and died in the shower. I found her dry and shriveled-up body on the floor and I couldn't help but wonder what had happened.
I figured she must have dried of natural causes.

I've had my gun holder lined to match our new three piece suite.
It's been reupholstered.

I saw a sign in a shop window that read:
'25% off sale'.
So presumably they're having a sal.

Saw a play about the moon landings last night.
I thought it lacked gravity.

At a recent council meeting, a local man demanded, "We need to know about the fate of the village!"
A councillor said, "It's on June 14th; there will be a raffle, and many stalls."

I treated my dog for ticks a week ago and it hasn't worked, his nose still twitches.

A friend of mine came over my house today. That's some seriously impressive projection

I've been expecting a mail order bride for weeks now but she still hasn't turned up, so I rang the company to enquire as to where she was.
They told me not to worry and to expect Mai Ling on Friday.

On the list of body parts on which I like to be kissed,
the perineum is somewhere near the bottom.

If i had a penny for everytime someone said i had a good memory...
I would have exactly, 945.56..

I don't know why Christians are getting worried about this rapture.
They don't even believe in Dinosaurs.

"What goes around comes around".....
Especially trains on the circle line

I'm off to the toilet to do some woodwork.
Gonna make a couple of stools.

People laugh at me for buying my clothes from the local Market...
Where else can you get genuine 'Lecost' trainers for under 20?

I caught a man trying to break into my house last night. He was wearing American Football pads, swimming trunks, ice skates and holding a cricket bat.
I said, "Oi, what's your game?"

I made a tea cosy the other day
By putting it to bed after the 18th hole