I broke into the International Tall People's Society Headquarters.
All the alarms were raised.

My boss delivered a riveting demonstration at work today.
But he broke the rivet gun halfway through and just had to explain the rest

A top english professor was earlier found dead at his home,with various letters scrolled all over his body.
Police are treating the death as suspicious, and suspect vowel play.

Im really looking forward to the next year of my agricultural degree. I've got a year in the field.

I recently hacked into the bank account of a famous musician and transferred 250 000 to my current account.
I'm living life on the edge.

Went to my hematologist today and he said my outlook is good because I'm a B Positive type.

Upon hearing the news of Osama Bin Laden's death, my nan said: "What that man did to New York was really wicked."
I wholeheartedly agree with what Nan said, but I really don't think it sounds right for a woman of her advanced years to be using '80s slang.

As I strolled around the library contemplating which book to read this week, I couldn't help notice 2 infants learning to share in the play area. I looked over and smiled at them, they really touched me. I was ejected from the premises shortly after

Sodomy - when there's nothing on the telly and your Dad is also in a curious mood

Isn't it fitting that when you want to correct or improve something you've written you 'white out', but when you don't want people to see the truth you 'black out'.

The scarecrow was very effective. Now we have starlings.

Just been sat watching TV and there is absolultly nothing on at all.
I really should turn it on.

I asked my mate what the date was yesterday, he said it's the 11th of May, it's actually a palindrome "11/5/11"
I said yeah, so's your "mum"

A polite cannibal won't leave the table until everyone's eaten.

On a recent trip to Australia, I witnessed a shark sunbathing in a fever of cartilaginous fishes.
It was Basking in the Rays.

Science: when a fat woman lies down on a bed, the mattress is depressed.

An architect wrote down and drew out a design for a new building. He then decided to take a break and went for a cup of tea. However, when he arrived back at the place where he'd left his design, he found it wrapped in a shiny, aluminium cover.
His plan had been foiled.

I've organised a church bazaar but can't find the keys to unlock the gates. I'm in trouble now. My fete is sealed.

BBC News: "Lennon celebrated on anniversary of death"
Well the dead do party hardest...

I always get confused when I see a sign at the side of a country road with a picture of a deer. How do they know they're supposed to cross there?

Surely there should be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

Well I'm feeling quite optimistic about my pessimism.

My mate burst in and shouted "Help me! If I start acting in a wacky manner, this collar around my neck will explode"
I said "Don't be silly"

I've just been organising my local village fete. Booking that town crier was a good shout

My girlfriend asked me if i could act out a word that had all the vowels in alphabetical order. She didn't appreciate my efforts, and stormed out, saying "There's no need to be facetious!"