I'm not being paranoid but there's 5 Peruvian Owls standing on my garden fence, watching me through my kitchen window.
I'm sure they're Inca hoots!

My friends say I spend too much time in front of the mirror. I disagree, but I will look into it immediately.

I saw a greenfly earlier.
He was walking.

My recent form at battleships has been so hit and miss.

There's a fine wine between sober and inebriated.

My retinas can now talk to each other thanks to my eye phone.

Last night I dragged my wife along to my mate's house.
I didn't want them to see she's in a wheelchair.

Whilst drunk last night, I somehow ended up in a huge warehouse full of Sister Sledge CDs and couldn't find my way out.
Feel a bit silly now...
...for getting lost in music.

I thought I'd try my hand at a cannibal party...
But apparently it's bad form to eat your own.

War does not determine who is right.
Only who is left.

My girlfriend thinks I don't have a clue what PG Tips is but I've got the tea shirt.

Due to a factory error, my phone now has a colander instead of a calendar.
It really drains the battery.

My mate asked me what my worst ever injury was.
I replied, "He was quite bad in 1982 when I saw him with the Blockheads".

There was an Indian Elvis impersonator at my local club tonight.
He was called Patelvis.

I've recently started a new job in middle management.
I'm a dietician.

With my business doing well in the UK, I decided to crack abroad. But she hit me back.

I dropped a clanger at work today.
They fired me from the bell foundry.

Rip Eddie Stobart. I honestly thought you were in it for the long haul.

It's disillusioning when my magic tricks don't work.

The 2, 3 4 5 and 7 of hearts walked into a crowded bar and shouted 'the drinks are on us'
The barman looked surprised and said, do you realise that this will cost you a fortune?
They said, that's no problem, we're a little flush at the moment.

Sky news
'Man held after glue theft'
Schoolboy error there by the police!

Inventing upper case letters was a capital idea.

My wife prepared a beautiful dish in the kitchen the other day.
She loves her pottery.

AOL News: EastEnders star quits soap after just one week
She's now using Shower Gel

I was trying to watch a video on how to clean a floor yesterday...
It was a complete disaster, all I got was buffering.