I asked my wife to run me a bath to the depth of 1.8288 metres.
She just couldn't fathom it.

I hate the way pillow & duvet salesmen talk down to you.

There are some gypsies in my front garden...
Moving on.

Did you hear the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made yet.

To be honest, I quite like this whole Credit Crunch
Though I wish they'd stop bringing out such topical breakfast cereals.

At school I was the teacher's pet.
They couldn't afford a hamster.

I'm having some trouble with a giant salt container that's been following me around.
It's just impossible to shake.

Hovis Best Of Both: The world's first hybread.

Conversations can come out very differently if predictive text changes "keys" to "Jews"...

I'm serving very well at my job being a waiter.
Although my boss doesn't appreciate me playing tennis at work.

So I heard they're trying to force more people in wheelchairs into work.
They shouldn't have to stand for that.

My dad had never heard of Pendulum before.
He thought they were some kind of swing band.

I've got this mate who's always trying to prove he's smarter than me and now he's saying he's going to take up chess.
Well, two can play at that game...

My mates just told me he's a prolific liar.
I couldn't believe it.

It was the Christmas fun day at the homeless shelter parlour.
You should have seen their little starving faces light up during the bingo when I said we were playing for a house.

My disabled son's been really down in the dumps recently.
I can't think of a better place to hide the little spastic.

I went to see a very flexible group of musicians last night.
It was a rubber band.

Why can't Emu catch any fish?
He's got no Rod!

At least that Qatar isn't gently weeping.

The Battle of Britain and Private browsing,
they changed the face of History.

My cat's bilingual.
I gave him his meal and he woofed it down.

Police were taken by surprise earlier on in London. As they entered a top floor shopping center they were confronted and attacked by a 50 strong mob!
They must have escalated into a riot

Why did the herb go to the cinema on its own?
Because, thyme waits for no man.

My mate said "Watch me fly, I'm a pigeon" and jumped off the roof. As he slammed into the ground I thought "You no pigeon, you just dove".

The other day, I was approached by a Nigerian man in the street who said he was a dealer and could sort me out.
I thanked him for his kind offer but explained that I never play poker and if I did, I certainly wouldn't want to cheat.