Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day......
.....Set a man on fire, and you'll most likely be convicted of murder in the first degree.

I once flew a Jewish plane
But it went into a big nosedive

My dad likes to think of himself as the ringmaster.
He's not in the circus, he's a paedophile.

I've had enough of gardening. I'm just about ready to throw in the trowel.

The worst thing about christmas was the jumper I was given.
Not what you want on your first day as a negotiator.

Working in air traffic control has done nothing but land me in trouble.

Since losing my TV remote I've been crying uncontrollably.

My girlfriend told me that she has never wrote a car off.
She must have done, she told me by text.

I have some weird fetishes.
I find switches a real turn on.

I think I'm going to have to rename the hill walk I've organised on some land that I own,
'Slipton Fell' seems to be putting people off..

A man with a flat, round, metal head walks into a bar.
The barman says "why the gong face?"

My daughter was making a terrible racket last night.
It barely lasted 2 sets.

Smaller punctuation marks.
I just don't see the point.

My dad's shop which sold trousers for the larger men across the country burnt down this morning.
Shame because they'd been making huge strides.

What do you call a Frenchman with heartburn and indigestion?
Renne

Serial Rapists.
That's not milk on your Cheerios.

Walked by Waterstones book store today and their promotionl sign caught my eye. "50% off all fictional paperbacks" I went in to enquire, turns out the books don't exist.

I was furious when a random stranger started beating me around the head with his list of runners and riders when I was enjoying an afternoon at Ascot.
I can't stand it when people use the race card on me.

BBC News - Man Batters Wildebeest
Now that's what I call breaking Gnus

I joined Match.com
But i couldn't see anything Striking on there.

My dad took me on a work experience to his job at the MOD. He works as an improvised explosives device removals expert. I think I'm going to follow in his foot-steps.

Daily Mail: "Dr who saw Kelly's body wants an inquest"
And they say the Police don't try hard enough to solve crimes, they got a Time Lord in for this one.

My wife has gone off in the arms of another man.
In hindsight, I probably should have put them in the freezer after stabbing them to death, rather than just leaving their bodies lying on the bed to fester.

News Headline: 'Sponge beaten almost to death'
Police say he would have died, but he managed to soak up most of the blows.

After three long years I have finally finished meticulously hand making a lovingly crafted armchair.
All I need to do now is work out what to do with all these other body parts.