If Wally and Wenda ever have a kid, it will probably be completely invisible.

I wonder what the world would be like without hyperthetical situations.

I wanted to write a book about morse code but I was afraid I would send the wrong message

Just found out Homes Under The Hammer is not a Latino gangster show.

I walked three mile to play a joke on someone today... Maybe I do take jokes too far.

Apparently, Adolf Hitler became obsessed with the history and culture of Poland between 966-1938.
It was his preoccupation.

I answered the door the other day and there was a woman dancing away, holding glow sticks and blowing a whistle, and she asked if I wanted to buy any cosmetics.
My wife said "Who is it?". I answered "It's the rave-on lady".

Hunting seals can be more expensive than you think ...
Me and my mates have had to club together.

How can you tell it's not alien technology? When it's got an earth wire.

Top News: "Murder-accused 'bought saw'"
I am worried now, he buys one DVD and gets accused of murder, I have just bought the whole box-set.

I hate candle wax, it gets on my wick.

Well this Kung Fu movie is certainly not what I was expecting.
I'm never renting "Crouching Thai Girl's Hidden Danglers" again!

recursion: n.
See recursion.

I've just ripped out a pig's vocal chords with my bare hands.
It appears to be disgruntled.

Disemboweling somebody takes a lot of guts.

An official biography has revealed that the Queen Mother had colon cancer at the age of 66 and didn't wear a colostomy bag.
She must have been really dirty in bed.

Someone asked me for a bit of my kit-kat this morning.
So I gave them the two fingers.

I went into a shop the other day and everything was on shelves way too high for anyone to reach. It was an inconvenience store.

'...In the Christmas rush for wives and girlfriends to choose and buy their man a gift, why does the race always end up with a tie?'

What do you call a Welsh atheist that's good at solving problems?
Dai Agnostic.

I Love Weed, Hoes, And Getting Dirty With My Grandad.
So I Help Him With The Gardening.

I have a love/hate relationship with ambiguity.

A Blood and a Crip walk into a supermarket...
They got beef

I don't understand the fuss about this "Apple Tablet". Some guy in a dodgy nightclub offered me expensive Apple Tablets years ago; he also had Mitsubishi ones, smiley faces...

Pilates - chinese naval criminals who after boarding, leave you slightly fitter..