I came back from work yesterday to see my wife hanging out of our top storey flat from the clothes line. I started laughing at her for being so thick but she didn't appreciate it.
So I cut her some slack.

I got trapped in a drum today.
It was a snare.

I came in from work earlier to see my son crying on the stairs in hysterics. "What's wrong matey?" I asked him.
"Daddy, I'm having trouble with the girls at school!" he cried.
I thought it was time...I gave him the inevitable talk about 'the birds and the bees' and he sat there and listened.
When I was done he paused..."That's fine daddy but it's not that. They wont let me play with their barbies at lunch time and said my legs are too hairy to wear a skirt."
He lives with his uncle now.

I don't trust anyone as far as I can throw them.
That's why I'm so trusting of young children and small dogs.

I took a fisherman's friend last night....... He screamed for the first few thrusts then seemed to settle down and enjoy it

When questioned by the police I finally admited to being the man who runs through our town naked and painted gold.
I just couldn't conceal my gilt.

I went to school in the days when you could still get caned.
I used to have six cans of cider and a bottle of vodka on the bus.

I've recently decided to create a new business,
It's a rubbish collection service with a staff made entirely of people with disabilities.
The council will not approve the idea though,
I dont see what the problem is with calling it, "Downs in the Dumps".

I hate getting that sinking feeling...
Especially when i'm on a boat.

I saw a motivational speaker today.
Just the thought that sound can be created by little more than an electromagnetic coil and an amplifier really inspired me.

I got really addicted to skipping, but I'm getting off it now. One step at a time.

i went bobsleighing the other day!
i killed hollness, monkhouse and that builder chap!

I once read a book on a well known prisoner.The cell was really cramped and I had nowhere else to sit.

I was feeling confident last night so went out into town for a couple.
Threesomes are great.

I just split up with my blind, inflatable girlfriend.. She didn't see it coming but at least I let her down gently.

In university I was thinking about joining the debate team
But someone talked me out of it

I went to a really rough fancy dress party last night dressed as a giant crossword.
Someone filled me in.

Anton ferdinand has been arrested for fighting, and possible use of a bottle. Police are baffled by this uncharacteristic behaviour because despite having a long history of fighting relegation he has never done so with any bottle

What do you call a Scotsman that's nearly home?
Hamish.

My argumentative family all sat down together for a game of Bukaroo earlier.
It only took a couple of minutes for it all to kick off.

I was in town today when a local copper started shooting at ethnic minorities...
That's PC gone mad.

My mate is a shape shifter...
He works as a porter at the local geometry centre.

My son was killed by some bullies a few years ago...
They fell on his head in a darts memorabilia shop.

I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, 'I read somewhere'

I recently split up with my girlfriend after she got a job as a roofer.
She's become high maintenance.