I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, 'I read somewhere'

I recently split up with my girlfriend after she got a job as a roofer.
She's become high maintenance.

I told a Tulisa joke in the pub last night to all my mates, but it didn't go down very well.

My wife's got a bikini body.
It's currently in two pieces.

Ghastly little blood-suckers that make a dreadfully annoying noise and spread diseases...
Yes, I can see why the mosquito was named after the diminutive form of a mosque.

I recently dislocated my hip playing rugby, and when i went to the hospital the doctor told me he would have to do some complicated and extensive surgery to fix the problem. But it turns out he was just pulling my leg

I went on a date with a simile.
I dunno what I metaphor

A policeman pulled me over last night.
I hate losing at tug of war.

I was always the coolest kid in my school.
My mum couldn't afford to buy me clothes.

I call my girlfriend 'The Skip'.
Because everyone on the estate has put their junk in her.

I'm hard at work! Hopefully my boss doesn't notice my erection

I was told the other day that I had an IQ of only 75.
I took a dim view of that.

I went to the dentist last night and she said "Your teeth look pretty good, no tartar".
I said "Well there wouldn't be, I haven't had fish for ages".

I went to the dentist last night and she said "Your teeth look pretty good, no tartar".
I said "Well there wouldn't be, I haven't had fish for ages".

Its not an optical illusion.
It just looks like one.

My wife couldn't come to terms with the death of her poodle and asked me to show some sympathy.
I thought,"Stuff it."

All day today I've been in the park flashing at kids
I love my new camera

My mate has started abseiling naked for charity.
I don't think I could ever lower myself like that.

I nearly bought a hill today but it was a bit too steep

I got a big rock set into my girlfriends engagement ring.
She wasn't impressed, she was expecting a diamond.

After a big meal my wife said ''How about eating the ice-cream I got in the freezer?''
I said ''I'd prefer to eat it here''

My neighbour came round and said "Could I have my son's ball back please?"
"I told him on more than one occasion that if he continues to kick his football in my back garden, I'd chop it off, so no." I replied.

I would make up a joke about herbs, but now's not the thyme.

I would make up a joke about herbs, but now's not the thyme.

I've invented a new camouflage material to make empty ships look like they are covered with seamen, it's called bukhaki