I've just written a joke on a message in a bottle and thrown it into the sea.
I hope somebody gets it.

The wife asked me to sync her new iPhone earlier.........
It's been in the bath for 4 hours now and still nothing has happened!

Giraffe walks into a bar.
"Sorry mate", said the barman, "We don't serve Heineken here."

One of my spots exploded whilst I was in the chemist earlier.
Puss in Boots.

When I was at school, I spent half my time scared of things like fractions.
Well, I say half my time.

'The Government are urging obese people to eat less'
That'll be hard for them to swallow.
Unless it's hidden in a Cake.

'Stacey Solomon' and 'Winter vomiting Bug' are currently trending on Yahoo.
I feel that 'Iceland' is the missing link.

Prisoners with a stutter,
should be forced to do slightly longer sentences.

Just ate a virtual pizza, Finished it in 4 Bytes.

Sitting in the restaurant last night, I started having unsavoury thoughts as the waitress walked over to me in her short skirt and tight top.
Should I just skip my main and go straight to the sweet.

What's long, hard and full of seamen?
A ship.
What's long, hard but not full of seamen?
An Italian ship.

What single word can be a long sentence?
Prison

Just went and checked my bank balance... Its not very good, I fell in the river

I told my girlfriend I'm leaving her because she is a peasant.
It was a poor excuse.

Javelins...
I dont trust them as far as i can throw them.

"Black Is Beautiful"
well if that's the case I've just shat a masterpiece.

I'm going out with a girl who makes adult movies for vegetarians.
She's a Quorn star.

Why didn't the Indian boy go to school? He was Sikh.

After spending all day watching the golf, I couldn't help but think "I need to get a better car"

I've just read a brilliant book on domestic violence.
It'll take some beating.

My girlfriend said that I needed to stop trying to make dramatic situations out of absolutely nothing.
Or Did She?

An English golfer's mate is permanently banned from Royal St Georges after yesterday's ghostly clubhouse events. At one point staff said books and objects were flying at them from all sorts of mysterious angles.
In the end they found out it was an Ian Poulter's guest.

I've had to cancel my new show featuring Eamonn Holmes and Dawn French
Apparently the name 'Teletubbies' is already in use.

My beloved golden retriever died the other day, so I had him skinned and his hide turned into a cardigan.
Have to admit, it's rather fetching.

I just got my results from my degree in micro phones.
I got a 1.2,1.2.