I've decided to move onto the next stage in my career.
That's just the way it is when you're a Theatrical Designer.

"I love your teeth babe" "Aw,why?" "Because yellow is my favorite color"

snakes + spiders + heights + flying + dying + dark + dentists + needles + clowns =
The sum of all fears

What's got 10 fingers and comes from Norwich?
A box of Bird's Eye

When I found out the Chuckle Brothers were taking legal action against me, I immediately put in a counter-claim.
Sue me, sue you.

Shakespeare told his mate, "I'm going to stop writing plays, I'm going to concentrate on poetry instead.
His mate said, "You're just going from bard to verse."

I'd love to tell you about my bondage and S&M sessions.
Unfortunately, my hands are tied.

As my French girlfriend stormed out she said "C'est la vie!"
I said "Lovey....."

A new cleaner started at work today, our boss said, "Everyone I'd like you to welcome Dee to our team."
I noticed one of her eyes doesn't move so I asked, "Have you got a fake eye Dee?"
She said, "No, why would I I'm in my fourtys, I get served everywhere."

My brother refuses to work these days.
I should get a new printer.

I had a date with a lazy mathematician.
It didn't work out.

I like to put horses heads on broom handles.
Its my hobby.

I've just been to Staples and bought the 'Commando' desk.
It hasn't got any drawers.

If you're Googling tips on dog masturbation, for the best results just click 'I'm Feeling Lucky'.

I met my wife at a Monkees fan club convention,
It surprised me though, I thought love was only true in fairytales...

Apparently when someone says 'What skeletons are you hiding in your closet?'
The right answer is not 'My gran's, my son's and my pet hamster.'

Just before I die I'm going to get my hand stamped in case I want to come back in again.

I got caught by the Police selling filofaxes to the Mafia, I'm now in prison serving 25 to life for my part in organized crime.

Life insurance claims. They're to die for.

I was going to write a story about the march I went on at the weekend but I can't.
I've got rioters block.

A Jewish kid asks his dad "Papa, what is a vacuum?"
He answers "A vacuum is a void".
The kid says " I know it's a void but vot does it mean?"

I can't believe Eddie Stobart's dead. Sad news. I thought he was here for the long haul.

statement
an
thats an understatement

When I decided to sell my extensive record collection, my friends told me it was total Madness. I disagreed though, they only made up a small percentage of it.

What is the difference between Sunderland goalkeeper and a minicab driver? The Sunderland keeper has let more than four in.