My wife made enough dog-food to easily last a year.
There was that much, I ran out of tins to put her in.

Isn't it amazing how in Yorkshire, if you have a 'thigh injury' then you are most probably suffering some kind of visual impairment.

My wife said that she'd like some brackets up on the wall.
So I went over to it with my marker pen and asked what she'd like me to write between them.

At first I ignored my wife's pleas for me to quit smoking for the forty days preceding Easter.
Then I relented.

My Wife's not a bad looking woman.
She just looks like one.

Pre-Meditated murder: Its the thought that counts.

I was watching Sky Sports today.
Them paragliders were very good.

My son said that he feels left out at work.
I told him that it was his fault for being a doorman.

I had my wife cremated then planted some seeds in her urn.
A couple of weeks later she rose from the ashes.

When the wife denied me, I beat her with a bamboo cane & gave her two black eyes.
One way or another, she'll pander to my needs.

I ordered an 8 inch Cheese and Tomato Pizza from Dominos. I was shocked when it arrived as it was delivered by two midget monks.
I phoned Dominos up and said, "What are you doing, having my pizza delivered by two midget monks?"
"Well, it's only a small order," came the reply.

After a lengthy ear infection my doctor said, "You're fine now."
I said, "That's good to hear."

My mate just rang and said "I've just bought a mini clubman, come over tomorrow."
I can't wait. It's not everyday you see a chav dwarf playing golf.

Just read a book called PTO. Its a real page turner.

I told the epileptic kid at school a joke.
He was in fits.

THE PEOPLE: Pole dancing at 3
Better make it quick, I've got a doctor's appointment at 5:30.

I just met a supervillain masquerading as a car mechanic.
I only barely escaped his clutches.

I started a company manufacturing expensive fake wounds for halloween costumes, but the price of the components has suddenly risen,
So we had to made some budget cuts...

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.
The sequel's going to be set in a different department.
This time it's personnel.

I said to my mate, "You look sad, what's wrong?"
He said, "I'm just struggling to get over Annette."
I said, "You don't fancy a game of tennis then?"

I stole some paint earlier and when I got home I tipped it onto the floor and laid in it.
Thought I'd better cover my back.

I often go out with a list of insults written on my sleeve.
I'm never stuck for an off the cuff remark

Bowler's union strikes.

My brother is jealous that my handwriting is so much better than his, I think it's just scribbling rivalry.

I am 6'5" and people I meet say to me that I look down on them.
It's not because of my height, I am just a lot better than them.