I've started a new trend of defacing long-necked animals with spray paint.
I call it giraffiti.

Acupuncture, Is there any point?

Wheelchair-bound bank robbers.
They won't get away with it.

My next songs gonna be a big hit in the clubs, its all about swing... Its called pitching wedge

I work at an accountants, and to be honest I'm not very good at it.
I'm just making up the numbers.

When I get my change back at Sainsbury's I normally throw my coppers down in the street
They arrest me afterwards but it's funny while it lasts

My wife is always on my back.
It gets very painful from time to time.

I wrote a book on Silence. You probably haven't heard about it.

I have some great news, i have finally finished my project of the last 10 years.
I decided to change everything about myself,I got a new head, body etc. It was worth all the hard work.
I'm Made up.

Andy Grays comments are nothing for women to get their knickers in a twist its merely a storm in a D cup.

Doctors treating Nelson Mandela have said "We've taken him to the park this morning and tonight we're taking him to the cinema"

I saw a man dressed as a Tesco worker drowning today so I threw him a cork.
Every little helps.

Chris Martin is branching out into theatre.
He's written a production about the effects of flu like symptons.
It's a Cold play

There was a naked mental patient standing by the roundabout earlier frantically waving at drivers.
If you ask me, he was a stark waving lunatic.

I hear Ironman and Magneto are inseparable since they've met.

My wife has left me unexpectedly and taken all my maps and my TomTom.
I just don't know which way to turn.

I got my wife a table at one of the most exclusive restaurants in London last night.
It was outside in a skip at the back.

Just offended some dog poo. Put my foot right in it.

I noticed four soldiers on Brecon Beacons in the worst rain and wind ever.
They must have been Stormtroopers.

The remains of US-born chess champion Bobby Fischer have been exhumed in Iceland to establish a paternity claim.
Police said "We don't think he's the Dad, but we thought we'd better check mate".

It has been reported that companies will not employ new university graduates unless the achieve a degree of 2:1 or better.
This means that all ballerinas have now dropped out of their courses as all they can get is a 2:2.

I have just found out that my Aunt's kids have stolen my personally endorsed ice skates.
Robin Cousins.

Graffiti artists, they write up my street.

My wife gets sick of me saying useless palindromes all the time....
I said, "No, Mel Gibson is a casinos big lemon...."

My hat's gone all shaky and started to spasm.
Oh well, I suppose if the cap fits......