I wrote a book on Silence. You probably haven't heard about it.

My wife is always on my back.
It gets very painful from time to time.

When I get my change back at Sainsbury's I normally throw my coppers down in the street
They arrest me afterwards but it's funny while it lasts

I work at an accountants, and to be honest I'm not very good at it.
I'm just making up the numbers.

My next songs gonna be a big hit in the clubs, its all about swing... Its called pitching wedge

Wheelchair-bound bank robbers.
They won't get away with it.

Acupuncture, Is there any point?

I've started a new trend of defacing long-necked animals with spray paint.
I call it giraffiti.

My girlfriend asked me if i could act out a word that had all the vowels in alphabetical order. She didn't appreciate my efforts, and stormed out, saying "There's no need to be facetious!"

I've just been organising my local village fete. Booking that town crier was a good shout

My mate burst in and shouted "Help me! If I start acting in a wacky manner, this collar around my neck will explode"
I said "Don't be silly"

Well I'm feeling quite optimistic about my pessimism.

Surely there should be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

I always get confused when I see a sign at the side of a country road with a picture of a deer. How do they know they're supposed to cross there?

BBC News: "Lennon celebrated on anniversary of death"
Well the dead do party hardest...

I've organised a church bazaar but can't find the keys to unlock the gates. I'm in trouble now. My fete is sealed.

An architect wrote down and drew out a design for a new building. He then decided to take a break and went for a cup of tea. However, when he arrived back at the place where he'd left his design, he found it wrapped in a shiny, aluminium cover.
His plan had been foiled.

Despite smoking large amounts of marijuana, I've managed to get a job at a bakery.
Apparently, it's due to the fact I wake and bake on a regular basis.

I was late for work today, all because I was really wrapped up in an amazing film...
Thats the last time I make my own lunch and use cling film.

My mate has just asked me for advice on how to move a boulder.
I told him to shove it.

When asked where the explosive packages destined for the US had originated from, president Obama replied "Yeman"
I know he's trying to play it cool but he could have told us

They say that small people have big tempers...
What about Tinie Tempah then?

God I hate advertising.
have you seen what Orange have done to Cheryl?

I bought a bed today, 50% off.
It's 3ft.

My wife said that I had the brain of a six year old.
I thought "I really need to find a better place to hide my stuff"