Since I gave my mate Dan an 'E' he changed. He's Dean now.

I turned up at my girlfriend's this morning, she said 'you don't look too bad after your night on the drugs'
I think she misunderstood me before when I said I was doing my 'exStacey'

Me and my internet girlfriend broke up.
We lost our connection.

I just changed my g string tonight for the first time in 8 months.
I also changed my a, d, b, low e and high e strings too, guitar sounds so much better now.

Guy 1: What have you been up to, man?
Guy 2: I moved in with a wonderful woman.
Guy 1: Oh, really? And what happened?
Guy 2: She found out I was living there...

My whole world has just fell too pieces.
Or the playstation is broke as the wife calls it.

When I was a journalist my newspaper relocated, I had two choices, to leave or to move with The Times.

I was in the pub and one of the regulars was talking about animal impressions and asked what I could do.
'I can do a pig' I replied.
'Let's see it then' he asked
I turned to my wife and said 'let's go fatty, this guy wants to watch me do you'.

My wife saw sense and threw her thongs out.
To be honest, they were wearing a bit thin.

I left the gas on yesterday and caused an explosion in our house.
The missus went through the roof.

Latin is a dead language and has no place in the English society per se.

I bought a tennis racket today.
It's a C.D. of the Williams sisters grunting.

In my whole life, I've never come across a rapist...
Or stolen from a robber

I'm playing a computer game about DIY for ghosts.
I'm stuck on the spirit level.

Talks are ongoing for women to referee in Men's football.
I think there will be a period in football when this happens.

what do you call an emo cow?
emoo.

People who copy and paste jokes are fu??ng cu?ts!

The wife has just threw 2 Chickens a Turkey and a Duck at me.
I'm in a fowl mood now!

I was shown a straight red by the referee on sunday .
Snooker is really tough when you're colour blind .

What are Muslim's favourite sweets?
Bomb bombs.

As a 21st century philosopher I'm distressed to see soldiers get all the support whilst my creed are left in the shade.
I thought for my country dammit!

I used to play trombone...
But I let it slide...

I used to know an ice cream man
But he melted

I'm a Revenge Counsellor & my mates say I'm stupid for not charging people.
But I woke up this morning and I thought, "I'll make them pay for this."

I slipped over in the street. Falling backwards, I accidentally grabbed the knackers of the bloke behind me.
Apologising to him, I noticed he was dressed as a jester.
Never have I felt such a fool.