The easiest kind of 'ship' to wreck is a relation'ship'.
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot about the French Navy.
Make that 20,000th easiest.

I asked my friend if he was up for going to a country in the Middle East.
He said Yemen.

Did you hear about the new Iranian President? His story's amazing, he grew up with just his dad, and they never had enough food apparently.
Yeah, his name's Wheresmadinnerdad.

I've got a lot of sympathy for ploughmen.
Some of their job is harrowing.

I always drink responsibly.
In fact, I'm responsible for at least 90% of all the drinking in my family.

I mistakenly confused Abu Hamza with Abu Qatada.
Must be a clerical error.

I've got a feeling that I've stuck pins in this doll before.
I have this sense of deja voodoo.

I tried out for the hairdresser's football team yesterday.
There was a lot of great highlights, but I didn't quite make the cut.

The method they use to make black pudding is blood-curdling.

Knitting in the dark..
I can't see the point.

Grief takes many forms.
Well, 17 to be precise, if you're claiming the life insurance on your wife.

I wrote a thesis on the universe, but I was told I needed to expand on it.

I sacrificed one of my Kidney's for my wife.
I've had to drink everyday to numb the pain of being married to her.

In Arabic countries the word 'freedom' isn't even in the dictionary.
That's because it's an English word, and they use Arabic.

I've finally discovered the meaning of life.
Dictionaries are so helpful

My perfect girl would have a dazzling smile, a great sense of humour and some amazing legs.
She must also be called Diana Jones.
I know that's a little picky, but what can I say? It's always been a dream of mine to one day be InDiana Jones.

How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.

It's the little things in life that make me happy.
Life is hard with a midget fetish.

My maths teacher won't tell me what another word for 'average' is.
Which is mean.

I was milking some cows today.
I got most of their money before they noticed the cards were marked.

As a toddler, I always felt behind on my knowledge of marijuana/ecstasy misuse.
I wasn't Pot/E trained.

I don't get it when people say 'let's make this Olympics special'.
They already have. Its called the Paralympics.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

My dad was an expert with a mitre saw but he was sacked for cutting too many corners

I can't believe I just paid 1,000 for a new hoover. I'm such a mug. The salesman was so persuasive though, telling me how powerful it was.
I just got sucked in.