I didn't think my mate would make me get up and paint my entire body with Tipp-Ex.
But he did. I stand corrected.

What was the most debatable event at the London Olympics?
The Discuss

I've recently been made redundant from my position as "Punch" on Brighton Pier.
It was the best hand job I've ever had.

Come to Romania.......
It's a stones throw from Northern Ireland!

At least ten people just knocked on my door trying to sell me a jet washer.
I can't deal with these high-pressure salesmen.

I make decent money donating sperm. About fifty pounds a week, disposable in come.

I hate people who repeat themselves. Those who say the same thing twice annoy me too.

I hate people who repeat themselves. Those who say the same thing twice annoy me too.

It doesn't matter what irrelevant means

Hustlers.
Putting the 'con' into 'conspiracy'.
Putting the 'piracy' into it, as well.

Just saw a link for a Free Ed Sheeran video. I didn't know he was in prison..

What's Chewbacca's favourite website?
Wookiepedia.

My mate is a wildlife photographer and he's been waiting weeks to film wildebeest arriving on their annual migration.
I phoned him yesterday. Still no gnu's.

My HIV test results have come back, and they're positive. I'm negative.

Looks like the days of good grammar is went.

"Mum, can I have a kit kat?"
"Yes, as long as i can have a finger."
"ewww."

Fingerprints?
I like his music, but i wouldn't go that far!

Yesterday when I went to fill up my car with petrol I was surrounded by people filling up rusty old tin cans.
Or, as they should be called, second-hand Fiat Puntos.

Why did the polish man cross the road?
Because the other side was dirty.

If there's one thing I know, I really should learn more things.

I'd been stalking this woman for six months when she went to the police, so last night I slipped her a canap laced with Rohypnol.
I bet she never thought I'd get in first with the restraining hors d'oeuvre.

I finally managed to sell all my old super hero comics...
I feel marvel less.

When I started school I knew I'd have to learn the three R's.
Romanian, Rwandan and Russian.

I once had a job searching for gold, but it didn't pan out.

Record wind speeds have been predicted across Europe, with gusts between 45 and 78RPM.