I didn't think my mate would make me get up and paint my entire body with Tipp-Ex.
But he did. I stand corrected.

What was the most debatable event at the London Olympics?
The Discuss

I've recently been made redundant from my position as "Punch" on Brighton Pier.
It was the best hand job I've ever had.

Come to Romania.......
It's a stones throw from Northern Ireland!

When I started school I knew I'd have to learn the three R's.
Romanian, Rwandan and Russian.

I once had a job searching for gold, but it didn't pan out.

Record wind speeds have been predicted across Europe, with gusts between 45 and 78RPM.

My wife's always moaning at me for calling her fat.
"It's not my fault! It's in my genes!" She yelled.
"Not all of it is..."

As the defibrillator paddles were thrust onto the chest of Vaclav Havel in a last ditch attempt to revive the great dissident. the doctor on site was heard to remark, "Never before have I seen a Czech bounce so fast".

I don't know how people manage to be married to their jobs.
I can't even manage a civil partnership with mine.

My wife told me that she wants a baby, so I did what all respectable husbands do and got to work.
Just have to hide the body now.

Cheap knives.
They just don't cut it.

Cheap knives.
They just don't cut it.

At least ten people just knocked on my door trying to sell me a jet washer.
I can't deal with these high-pressure salesmen.

I make decent money donating sperm. About fifty pounds a week, disposable in come.

I hate people who repeat themselves. Those who say the same thing twice annoy me too.

I hate people who repeat themselves. Those who say the same thing twice annoy me too.

It doesn't matter what irrelevant means

Hustlers.
Putting the 'con' into 'conspiracy'.
Putting the 'piracy' into it, as well.

Just saw a link for a Free Ed Sheeran video. I didn't know he was in prison..

What's Chewbacca's favourite website?
Wookiepedia.

My mate is a wildlife photographer and he's been waiting weeks to film wildebeest arriving on their annual migration.
I phoned him yesterday. Still no gnu's.

My HIV test results have come back, and they're positive. I'm negative.

Looks like the days of good grammar is went.

"Mum, can I have a kit kat?"
"Yes, as long as i can have a finger."
"ewww."