My wife's always moaning at me for calling her fat.
"It's not my fault! It's in my genes!" She yelled.
"Not all of it is..."

As the defibrillator paddles were thrust onto the chest of Vaclav Havel in a last ditch attempt to revive the great dissident. the doctor on site was heard to remark, "Never before have I seen a Czech bounce so fast".

I don't know how people manage to be married to their jobs.
I can't even manage a civil partnership with mine.

My wife told me that she wants a baby, so I did what all respectable husbands do and got to work.
Just have to hide the body now.

Cheap knives.
They just don't cut it.

Cheap knives.
They just don't cut it.

You know what floats my Boat?
Bouyancy

I'm looking forward to my next boxing match.
I've got 30 pounds on my opponent.
At odds of 7-1 I'm going down in the third round.

I had it hard when I was younger. I'd come home from school, and a chicken sandwich would hit me in the face. If I opened the bathroom door, I'd get a bowl of ice-cream thrown at me.
I didn't know where the next meal was coming from.

"CHINESE ACTIVIST HU FREED"
...who freed what?

My friend keeps says he is going to go on Britain's got talent and fart musical tunes.
I hope he follows through with it.

Policeman 1: I see a black man!
Policeman 2: IC3?
Policeman 1: Really? Two of them must be really dark then

I have a black eye.... does that make me multicultural?

My son finally reached Adulthood today.
He's a midget and it was on the top shelf at HMV

Why did the chicken cross the road. BECAUSE HIS HOUSE IS BEING BOMBED BY THE RUSSIANS, LEAVE HIM ALONE HE'S ONLY A CHICKEN! Do you know what its like to walk down the street, carrying everything you own in plastic bag while your house is being bombed. NO YOU DONT, LEAVE THAT CHICKEN ALONE!...................sorry, Chechen, not chicken.

I saw a grown woman blowing bubbles the other day, which came as a shock to me.
I'd always thought the Powerpuff girls were female.

Whoever burnt CarpetRight are just mindless rugs.

Yesterday a little blue man with a red hat and a grey beard was mouthing off at me.
I pulled my gun on him and decided to Pop a Smurf.

I've released a new line of clothing especially for midgets.
They're selling ok, but it's only a small market.

I went into the barbers and he said 'What can I do for you?'
'Cut the sides and back off' I replied.
'Alright, no need to be rude about it!'

My wife was going to leave due to my obsession with inserting comedians surnames into sentences
We've built some Bridges since then.

My girlfriend dumped me because i'm forgetful.
At least i think she did...

I decided to test out the theory that if you placed 100 monkeys in a room with an infinite number of typewriters, eventually they would type out the entire works of Shakespeare without a single mistake. Then, just 10 years later, I walked in to discover something incredible...
100 dead monkeys.

I got fired from my job at the KitKat factory for taking too many breaks.

The hardest worker I know is a candle.
There's no rest for the wicked.