My wife is due to go on a long car journey today for work and insists she doesnt need a map, but Im sure she will lose her bearings.
Especially as Ive taken them out and loosened the wheels.

I met my 13 year old son's new "girlfriend" this evening. It's weird, I swear I've come across her before..

Looking at The Sun can cause eye injuries and brain damage.

Yesterday someone stole my phone charger.
I still don't have any leads.

Steve has bigger lungs than Dave, and James has larger lungs than Steve.
Who can expel the largest amount of air through their mouth?
None of them. They're all the same sighs.

I used to go out with a girl called Penny
She was a copper

I was touched yesterday when my black wife came up to me and said "Baby, I believe in you."
Until she started packing her bags and took the kids.

Just got a message from my mate telling me he had won the national ottery.
'Lol,' I replied, 'typo?'
'No, send fish now!!!!', he returned.

I tried to gatecrash the Kwik Fit Employee of the Year awards ceremony but the doorman wouldn't let me in.
He said, "You need to change attire"

All my life I've wondered where I'm from. I've asked my closest friends and relatives, but no one seems to know.
Personally, I think I'm from Notre Dame...don't ask me why, I've just got a hunch.

Broken abacuses.
You can't count on them.

I was going to put my name down as an organ donor, but I just didn't have the stomach for it.

Me and a few of my mates were discussing who we think has made the greatest song of all time.
I went for Linkin Park, in the end.

I first met my wife at the village fair
It must have been fete.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.

I'm just watching frost on my telly tonight, probably should think about putting the heating on now it's winter.

I find there is a lot of name-calling towards my unborn son.

There was a knock at my door and when I answered it there was a man dressed all in black holding a gun.
I said, "Can I help you?"
He said, "I'm a hitman".
I said, "Oh yeah? Anything I might have heard?"

I've just walked in on my missus with one of Goldfingers henchmen.
I asked, "What have I told you about doing odd jobs around the house?"

My girlfriend put my best shirt in the tumble dryer, and it shrunk.
I can't even fit a sock in there now.

I was getting sick of seeing my wife with her new iphone, so I bought an ipad, but I was still sick of seeing her with her brand new iphone, so I bought another ipad, it worked, two ipads, I couldnt see a thing!

I'm organising a party for people with locks at the bottom of their doors
Its a very low key affair

I'm going to the 'Stop Ducks Quacking' festival at the weekend.
Some really tight bands on the bill.

Although I'm a lover of Bruce Willis's work I wouldn't say I was a Die Hard fan.

Mute shepherds: Hard to come by.