Mute shepherds: Hard to come by.

I went shoplifting today.
I wouldn't recommend McDonalds, it's full of fat people.

My wife is Jinxed.
Ironically, she's as unlucky as her name suggests.

I've been trying to get my friends baby to say its first word all morning, I'm going to give it one more try then I'm going to knock it on the head.
Then if that doesn't work i give up.

I'm the type of person that likes to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram

Old people get their kicks out of buckets..

Bond looked into the Austrian's eyes. 'Your go,' Stumpf said coldly, confident he had won games like this, in casinos like this, against men like Bond a million times before.
A bead of sweat formed on Bond's lip as he made his move with an affected nonchalance.
'Snap,' he said, and lit a cigarette.

I've been working on producing a 4D film for years now, but I just haven't got the time.

I was on top of my game the other day. I stood on my monopoly board.

Carol Vorderman came up to me yesterday and said ''A,E,I,O,U."
I thought ''That's vowel language.''

I looked up a little girl's skirt this morning.
This is one of the many jobs I have to do in Mothercare's stock room.

My friend Mike picked up a retired Army tank from a military auction last week for 20.
He really does drive a hard bargain.

My wife said to me the other day that I talk about her like an animal.
Daft cow.

My mate needed a bit of help building his clock.
So I gave him a hand.

I seem to be getting more Spam than ever these days.
Maybe I should give the wife more housekeeping money?

My French flatmate bought me a tutuzela.
He thought that a vuvuzela sounded too formal.

Me and the wife always fight when we stand in doorways.
We're arch rivals.

northumbria police have today taken seafood off all station canteen menus and are advising all staff that they will only have a little fishy on a little dishy when the moat comes in.

I was driving down a country road the other day and saw a sign that said...
'7 Motorcyle Deaths in 7 Years' - I thought thank god im driving a car!

My dad keeps buying bits for his new girlfriends car,
I told him not to spoiler.

My wife just said to me "The birth of a child is the most exciting moment of any parents life."
Clearly, jumping in a cab and shouting "FOLLOW THAT CAR !" has never crossed her mind.

After several fad diets and umpteen miraculous weight loss programmes, I told my wife that getting slim requires sacrifice.
So she killed our baby.

I see Infinity Ward have added a new game mode to MW2 called "Barebones".
For the Africans then?

I was once beaten up by Doris, Darren and Robin.
I didn't know what Day it was.

The USA has always lagged behind Great Britain. Well I suppose that's time zones for you.