Thanks to my wife not cooking for me tonight I have been forced to use a Thai takeaway service I found in the yellow pages.
They gaurantee to deliver a replacement woman to my door in 7 working days.

I have just completed a whole marathon ,well aka snickers but its hard to raise sponsor money if i say snickers !

Just heard the wife say, "You wait til your daddy gets downstairs!" Show time.

Apparently British root vegetables are the number one import in Vietnam so far in 2010.
There's a turnip for the gooks.

The local chinese has closed down in my area.
They have no wok.

If there are two things I hate they are contradicting myself, and not contradicting myself.

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud, "I've already got one!"

BBC News: Tick diseases to avoid.
Well, my guess would be all of them.

I have successfully made a group of lemurs brain-damaged.
The plot thickens.

I just gave my computer a reboot.
This time, the monitor smashed.

I was at an old school acid house revival night last weekend when a journalist came up to me and said, "What, in your opinion, was the best thing about the eighties?"
"Actually", I replied, "I think you'll find I've only taken six."

I ordered some roast pork over a dodgy phone line.
All I got was a load of crackling.

Muhammed Ali, he shakes like a vibrator and spills all his tea.

I woke in the night, worrying about my blunt lawnmower, the hedgetrimmer with no wire, barrow with no wheel, the leaking roof and rusty padlock ...
I just think I've got a shed load of problems on my mind.

As soon as I was diagnosed with leprosy, the first thing I did was dump my girlfriend.
I gave her the elbow.

Video games messed up my son's head.
I think I may have hit him a bit too hard with them.

Zombies like open-minded people.

If tomorrow turns out anything like today.
It will gradually get darker towards evening.

Sit-coms are for comedians who are too lazy to standup.

My wife left me due to my obsession with explosives
Don't know what set her off

"If we stay together any longer," I told my blonde wife, "I'm going to end up detesting you."
"Well that's okay!" she replied with a smug look on her face, "I already know that it's the fourth letter of the alphabet."

My mate said, "What's the news today then?"
"Scattered showers."
"I meant the news, not the weather."
"So did I. The Bathroom Fittings warehouse blew up."

Well my girlfriend has just left me due to my obsession with 80's band Roxette.
It must have been love but it's over now.

The girl doing the dinosaur tour at the museum was so hot, I followed her home.
And Raptor.

It helps to be optimistic if you're a smoker.
That way, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel.