My washing machine is broke. It can't even afford fabric softener.

As a combat pilot, I'm trained to escape from the plane whenever I get into difficulties. My problem is that I do it before I get into any sort of difficulties whatsoever.
I'm a premature ejectulator.

I picked up a traveller on the motorway and asked him the nearest place to get a chocolate bar. He duly obliged.
Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy

I hate it when people make smelling mistakes.

To claim a football net.
That's my goal.

I wish people would stop making fun of my name.
Sirius lee

I met this really hot girl at work today.
I'm a fireman.

I was working in the mess hall of my Army base, and my Commanding Officer walked up to me.
'I'll have a cheeseburger and fries,' he said.
I said, 'Is that an order?'

When chemists do it, they do it on a table... Periodically.

How did the Welshman cross the swamp full of alligators?
Caerphilly.

My friend was thinking of becoming a comedian, so I told him the best place to start telling his jokes was the local brothel.
Because They always go down well there!

If you're a Frenchman in the bedroom, then what are you in the bathroom?
European.

I was in a football match the other day.
"It's a draw!" Shouted the ref, as a wooden piece of furniture got hurled onto the pitch.

My friend says the word 'history' hundreds of times a day.
He's not weird or anything; history just has a habit of repeating itself.

On a scale of 1-100 how inappropriote are you?
69.

I discipline my kids by using military tactics.
They're promised sweets which I don't give them.
Its called "Choc and Awww!"

Last week, I stole a probiotic yoghurt from my roommate's supply. Ever since, I've had yoghurt pots tapping at my window in the dead of night. Last time I mess with the Yakult!

A friendly midget working in the crematorium?
That's a nice little urner.

To reflect on the number of divas in the squad, Mourinho has just announced they're changing their name to L'Oreal Madrid.

As natural disasters go, that tsunami was a bit of a washout

Sky News: President Obama has signed a post-war agreement with President Karzai during an unannounced visit to Afghanistan
Karzai's going to be gutted when he receives a condom and a dodgy letter through his mail.

I knew I should have taken that fork in the road.
Just seen a sign saying there's a dip ahead.

I've managed to find a way to communicate with carbonated water.
It's a super accomplishment soda speak.

Just finished my first shift as a croupier at a casino.
Dealt with everything quite well.

I was furious that the doctor wanted to perform a lobectomy.
I gave him a piece of my mind.