I've just been out and bought a goldfish bowl for my new goldfish.
Now I just need to get a goldfish knife and fork and he can enjoy his dinner!

I'm not a religious man but I do a lot of preying.

I found out today that rubbing your genitalia on fur is an extreme irritant.
To the dog's owner.

Just found out my cleaner is also a tailor... Turns out she's Maid to Measure

I got hit in the face the other day by the lid of a tube of pringles.
I wasn't gonna mention it but it just popped in to my head.

Thisend.
That's putting an end to this.

My hat's gone all shaky and started to spasm.
Oh well, I suppose if the cap fits......

My wife gets sick of me saying useless palindromes all the time....
I said, "No, Mel Gibson is a casinos big lemon...."

Graffiti artists, they write up my street.

I have just found out that my Aunt's kids have stolen my personally endorsed ice skates.
Robin Cousins.

It has been reported that companies will not employ new university graduates unless the achieve a degree of 2:1 or better.
This means that all ballerinas have now dropped out of their courses as all they can get is a 2:2.

The remains of US-born chess champion Bobby Fischer have been exhumed in Iceland to establish a paternity claim.
Police said "We don't think he's the Dad, but we thought we'd better check mate".

I noticed four soldiers on Brecon Beacons in the worst rain and wind ever.
They must have been Stormtroopers.

Just offended some dog poo. Put my foot right in it.

There was uproar at my sons school model making contest when the headmasters daughter won with her model plane.
It was air fix.

I received a letter today from someone named "Jamal" informing me that they've got my wife held hostage and that I have to pay a high ransom fee to get her back.
I hate black males.

Freddie Mercury did a course in art history, earning him a degree that was completely useless in the real world.
That's why they called him Mr. Fahrenheit.

My wife said, "Can't you make yourself useful?"
"Nah, I I've only got one U and I'm trying to use up that triple word square before you do."

People are always telling me that my wife of 12 years...
is too young to married.

I just got fired from my job as a tailor.
It just wasn't the right fit.

I went to my therapist and said, "My wife was eaten by an evil man. I need a film to cheer me up."
"Gladiator?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "I'm not, that's why I came here for help."

I keep finding notes around my house.
They don't say who they're from they're just signed 'E'.
I have have no idea who it is; I guess it's just a Mr.E.

I attended a health and safety course at work.
All we did was sit in front of a fan, sipping ice cold drinks.
Turns out, it was just a refresher course.

My girlfriend asked me to get her toilet paper.
Kind of a weird thing to ask, it's not like the toilet can draw.

Never mess with a black bike enthusiast.
They have too many Tandems.