Thisend.
That's putting an end to this.

I got hit in the face the other day by the lid of a tube of pringles.
I wasn't gonna mention it but it just popped in to my head.

Just found out my cleaner is also a tailor... Turns out she's Maid to Measure

I found out today that rubbing your genitalia on fur is an extreme irritant.
To the dog's owner.

I'm not a religious man but I do a lot of preying.

I've just been out and bought a goldfish bowl for my new goldfish.
Now I just need to get a goldfish knife and fork and he can enjoy his dinner!

My wife said that I had the brain of a six year old.
I thought "I really need to find a better place to hide my stuff"

I bought a bed today, 50% off.
It's 3ft.

God I hate advertising.
have you seen what Orange have done to Cheryl?

They say that small people have big tempers...
What about Tinie Tempah then?

When asked where the explosive packages destined for the US had originated from, president Obama replied "Yeman"
I know he's trying to play it cool but he could have told us

My mate has just asked me for advice on how to move a boulder.
I told him to shove it.

I was late for work today, all because I was really wrapped up in an amazing film...
Thats the last time I make my own lunch and use cling film.

Despite smoking large amounts of marijuana, I've managed to get a job at a bakery.
Apparently, it's due to the fact I wake and bake on a regular basis.

I received a letter today from someone named "Jamal" informing me that they've got my wife held hostage and that I have to pay a high ransom fee to get her back.
I hate black males.

Freddie Mercury did a course in art history, earning him a degree that was completely useless in the real world.
That's why they called him Mr. Fahrenheit.

My wife said, "Can't you make yourself useful?"
"Nah, I I've only got one U and I'm trying to use up that triple word square before you do."

People are always telling me that my wife of 12 years...
is too young to married.

I just got fired from my job as a tailor.
It just wasn't the right fit.

I went to my therapist and said, "My wife was eaten by an evil man. I need a film to cheer me up."
"Gladiator?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "I'm not, that's why I came here for help."

I keep finding notes around my house.
They don't say who they're from they're just signed 'E'.
I have have no idea who it is; I guess it's just a Mr.E.

I attended a health and safety course at work.
All we did was sit in front of a fan, sipping ice cold drinks.
Turns out, it was just a refresher course.

There was uproar at my sons school model making contest when the headmasters daughter won with her model plane.
It was air fix.

My girlfriend asked me to get her toilet paper.
Kind of a weird thing to ask, it's not like the toilet can draw.

Never mess with a black bike enthusiast.
They have too many Tandems.