Me and my mate were arguing while we were preparing for our skydive.
I said ''If we're not careful we're going to fall out''

No point praying for a medal.
God always tells you to come forth.

My local Coroners office are short of Forensics Examiners,
Apparently it's a dying trade !

The other day I found a really good multi purpose wire mesh.
It was grate

Statistically 10 in 2 people suffer from Dyscalculia

I used to have a horse called Treacle, he had golden stirrups.

I invited a load of soldiers around to our office canteen for lunch yesterday.
It made a mess.

BBC news headline: "Woman killed in South Yorkshire flat 'drowned in bath'"
What a pointless trip from South Yorkshire to Bath just to drown a dead woman.

My best mate just phoned me to say "I told you I'd get a flat"
I said "congratulations fella, but I need that bike for tomorrow"

BBC News : 'Dutch cabinet falls in Afghan row'
I've always said Dutch furniture is never reliable, especially when you've got two Afghans paddling away.

I bought 2 cakes the other day. Which one was the most expensive?
Madeira cake.

I wore a poncho the other day
Didn't see any arm in it.

Bananosecond. Time elapsed between slipping on the peel and hitting the pavement.

My wife came home from the mine with a heap of waste materials.
The slag

A very attractive woman told me to, 'Go forth and multiply'.
After hanging around for a good hour for the three men before me, I decided to step in and go first instead.

I always teach my kids to read between the lines.
The Charlie keeps them up for days.

The inventor of the ATM has died at the age of 84.His family are said to be feeling withdrawn.

I've just seen the new pregnant Mr. Men character.
Mr. period

I've just seen the new pregnant Mr. Men character.
Mr. period

I tried to read a book today on the history of sellotape. But I couldn't find the beginning.

Funnily enough, there's no "i" in "beholder".

My book about synaesthesia is so close to being finished I can almost taste it.

Do watch makers work overtime?

They say man who walk infront of car get tired!
and man who walk behind car get exhausted!

My job is driving a van containing a well known newspaper.
I'm always moving with The Times.