I've been told that my drinking is getting out of hand and I must agree... Already tonight I've dropped 3 pints

"Every dog has its day!"
"Look, I told you I don't want to buy a Battersea calendar."

My mate asked me if I could look after his downs syndrome daughter tomorrow night.
"I'm not sure, can I sleep on it?", I replied.
He answered "So long as I get a night out, you can do anything you want with it."

Eating 20 lemons was a bad punishment, but I kept going until the bitter end.

I was recently locked up for possessing indecent images of children on my pc.
In my defence I think they were pretty decent.

I told a joke about Nearly Headless Nick earlier, but the execution was poor.

I wanted to try something kinky, the wife just want something to eat.
So we compromised.
We went for Toed in the hole.

I've opened my own store selling couches, I'm doing pretty well.
Sofa, so good.

I've just drawn an unusually terrible self-portrait.
That's not like me.

I got into a fight with an article of clothing today.
It was a tie.

If you forget to say 'Pik' before a sneeze, you can always say 'Bacca' after it.

Dad: "What did you learn at school today son?"
Son: "The 21st letter of the alphabet and the fifth month, can I tell you what they are?"
Dad: "You may"

I have a condition where I absolutely must buy things before they are publicly released.
It's know as Obsessive Compulsive Pre-Order

I found out my neighbour was sleeping with my wife so I went around and punched his lights out
"At least this way you wont have to see her" I said, shaking his hand

I don't really enjoy spending time with my dog since he died, even taking him for a walk is just a drag.

I've got a friend called Danny Wellbeck his bomb disposal expert brothers name is Stan Wellbeck.

I hate people who act irrationally, they should be killed at birth.

Did you hear that Mr Potato Head was sick?
Apparently he has a brain tuber.

My wife keeps going in the loft. I think she must be coming down with something.....

I got sacked from royal mail for stealing letters. Jokes on them though, they're the ones with a sign that says "oyal ail" at the top of the sorting office.

What do you call an exploding Monkey?
Baboom!

Chemical jokes are boron... however physics jokes have potential

I saw something fly past wearing rosary beads earlier.
'That must be a bird of pray', I thought.

"My wife's gone to Jordan"
"Amman?"
"No, she's just got big hands, but you're not the first to ask."

Sainsburys have a new offer on at the moment, you spend 50 and get 5p of every litre off petrol, how great is that? You only need to buy one litre of petrol and you get 5p off.