My dad built me a television out of wood,
It works ok but the picture is a bit grainy.

I was just chopping a tree up and thought to myself:
"Why is there no gravity in this forest?"

My wife handed me the iron earlier. . .
Lucky for her we were on a golfcourse.

I miss my old job at Burger King quite a lot.
I still phone in sick everyday though.

"What is the date?" a man asked me today. Something very similar to a prune I said.

My daughter went to university to study ballet.
She didn't do very well though - she got a tutu.

I was staring at a woman naked with binoculars.
I said, "What are you looking at?"
She said, "Why are you naked?"

I was carving my Sunday dinner when I thought:
"Surely there is a better way to eat soup."

Today at my new job they asked for my bank details
So I said "OK, it's square, blue, there is a cashier called Lisa with green highlights in her hair, and the front door gets stuck sometimes"

Me and the wife's honeymoon got off to a rocky start.
I couldn't help it because I've always been a huge Sylvester Stallone fan.

My wife just had our first baby. I walked into the delivery room, looked down upon his little brown, distinct eyes so similar that I knew he was mine.
And his little black face that made me doubt it...

I don't like it when homeless people get sunburnt.
Because if there's one thing I hate it's a sore loser.

I don't have anything against womens football.
I just think the men are in a different league.

Watched a DVD today and at the start it stated "It is illegal to copy this film".
I wasn't actually planning on putting on a cape and dishing out vigilante justice after watching Superman.

If I had a pound for every man my girlfriend has slept with; I'd be a pimp.

BBC NEWS: Mime Killing Spree Ends In Suicide - "He was a quiet man," neighbours say.

I've been researching my Ancestory and I've discovered that my Family made money from Wool.
It didn't do them any good though. None of the shops would accept it.

I was driving past The Hawthorns earlier when I noticed a sign saying "Conference Facilities Here".
Somebody really should tell West Brom that it's called the Blue Square Premier Division these days.

"He escaped death by centimetres."
I didn't know metric conversion was so dangerous.

My boss just shot down My latest Invention and fired Me.
All I proposed was an extra-strength toenail emery board called the Pedi-File?

I fix cattle grids for a living. It's a grate job.

Nice to see that the Liverpool fans have started a collection to buy something for the newly born child of their Brazillian midfielder.
They've called it Lucas Aid

Just lost a championship Scrabble match.
To be honest, my chances didn't look good from the word go

You can say what you like about the Queen's judgement but she's always on the money

BBC News: Man guilty of 40m jeweller's raid.
Men get blamed for everything these days.