I'm so much better at starting things than finishing them. That said,

My friend is abroad....now I know why i always caught him looking at me !

I was at the cash machine earlier and noticed a sign saying "always protect your pin."
I took their advice and left my sewing kit at home the next time I went to use it.

I can't see invisibility being made available for everyday use in the near future.

My wife left me because I find absolutely everything ironic.
Now surely that is ironic?

What's Swedish, cheap and entered by countless people every year?
Ulrika Jonsson.

In Paranormal Activity, Micah is a poor excuse for a ghost-hunter. For all he knows, it could be brown, it could be blue, it could be violet sky, it could be hurtful, it could be purple, it could be anything you like.

My brother has just been found dead after injecting heroin into his gums. What a smack in the mouth.

I got caught in a downpour earlier.
My wife sweats a lot when she's on top.

saw 2 fit Sisters the other day, asked them if they fancied a bit, they were having nun of it

It's always the little things that keep you up at night...at least that's what the wife says.

I've got a job punishing thieves in Saudi Arabia.
It's not very hands-on.

I had a horrible experience earlier.
It was like I was Jim Carreys character in The Truman Show.
Everyone around me was acting nicer than they were, everything around me was fake, not as solid as it looked, like a cheap film set.......
Could it be true? is life just a cruel joke? an experiment?
Then I found the Ikea exit!

My mate has a new fridge which he thinks is pretty cool.
Well I've got a new freezer that I think is even cooler.

Hit me at 30, there's an 80% chance I'll live...
Hit me at 40, there's an 80% chance I'll die...
Obviously hitting middle age makes drivers much more vicious.

Advert: Nothing compares to Actimil Follow On.
Well, I'll use nothing then.

I smoked a joint today.
My wife needs a new elbow now.

I caught a chav putting lit fireworks through a letterbox.
I asked him what he was doing.
He said ''Just arson around.''

Feeling adventurous at work?
Have a Kit-Kat when you're not on a break.

Newsflash : disney have sacked Donald Duck for selling Quack to kids

I'm not fussed about apathy.

I thought students are supposed to be tight for cash but my dad has just told me that he saw some tipping a police van .
I don't even tip a taxi .

I wonder if the Queen has a golden shower?

BBC News: Bomb goes off in Stockholm, Sweden
Al'Ikea have claimed responsibility!

A hippie friend of mine told me I should try freecycling.
So I stole his bike.