Once you've got past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my
sense of humour,
I think it's my modesty that stands out.

So this chick is scratching through her handbag, trying to find a pen to write down her number for the polite guy.
"I really need to clear out my bag."
"So do I," I interrupted, "I'll help you if you help me."
...and off we headed to my place.

I'm going to quit the 'Drama Society' next week.
They make such a big deal out of every little thing.

My hearing aid has just broke...if anyone has a spare one give me a shout !!!

They say 'blondes have more fun'.
I'm dyeing to find out if it's true.

A new craze from China is set to take over from planking. People all over the country are covering themselves in light brown paint.
They're calling it Beijing.

At the breakfast table this morning, my obese wife asked me for some of the artificial sugar.
"Ok, baby" I replied, "I love you and you look fantastic."

When I won the Lotto I had to get me a butler.
Just couldn't help myself.

In the early 50's I was employed by a famous cartoon strip.
The hours were great, but I worked for Peanuts.

My girlfriend likes Roxette and bubbly chocolate
So I laid a Wispa on her pillow.

"Beaver Book Company"
Don't make the same mistake i did.

I am fully behind the campaign - "Kick Cancer".
I also support "Punch Leukemia" and "Trip Up Measles".

I have erection problems...I just can't get it up. My wife is very understanding though. Maybe I'm just not cut out for camping.

My girlfriend fell into a vat of liquid nitrogen.
I soon snapped her out of it.

I''ve just bought a forkift truck at an auction, it's amazing what you can pick up nowadays.

I've been sacked from my job writing maths exams.
Apparently I set a bad example.

I've been doing a watch-making course.
It was hard to start with but I've finally got things ticking over nicely.

I don't believe in karma.
I prefer a jalfrezi.

I recently seperated from my partner of 20 years, and I feel like I've lost a huge part of me. I guess most siamese twins go through this after the operation.

I can't decide which satanic card game to play.
Oh well - better the Devil Uno.

Apparently Gordon Brown is worried about the polls,
I would be too, 80% of them have a uk ballot paper.

My Dad loves wearing denim and so do I,
Must be in the jeans.

I guess it's alright working for a parcel delivery company. It has its UPS and its downs.

There is a saying...
"Anything can be a saying."

We won our local rugby match in strange fashion yesterday.
Those scarves and top hats looked ridiculous.