"Trick or treat."
"Both. Enjoy these sweets."
Laced with rohypnol.

Sandwich makers have many rolls to fill.

I said to my mate, 'I'll bet you 20 that you can't name one topic that I don't know a joke about'
He said, 'Beavers'
Dam

Just got a new job as an undertaker, and I love it.
I think it's a job for life.

I lost my job today after taking a partridge, a rabbit and a pheasant to work.
Apparently that wasn't what my boss meant when he asked me to come up with a game plan.

I pulled a muscle the other night when I though to myself, "I seriously need to stop dating sea creatures!"

My job is to bring ants into the country.
It's an important job.

The word Elton John was actually having trouble with was "soiree". He never did get it right.

I've just invented a cure for cynicism...
I don't think it will work though.

I've just seen the dress code for the upcoming railway enthusiasts disco...
Everyone must wear platforms.

I've been stuck outside my house for ages trying to open the front door with chocolate.
People keep telling me "use Yorkies", but it's hopeless...

After the recent racist events that have occurred in the last decade in the UK, a charity awareness group has been formed designed to ease racial tension in Britain.
It will be called:
Don't Initiate Racial Tension this Year. People Against Killing Irrationally.
Or DIRTY PAKI for short.

I'm a successful prop designer.
My work could be holding up your washing line.

What's saucy?
A back to front see-saw.

90% of the worlds photograph paper comes from Zambia.
Its a developing country.

Alcoholic pantomime villains always get boos.

Watching the Wales against Costa Rica game tonight brought back painful memories of the last time i was on a football pitch.
Unfortunately it wasn't 'Speedo' people were shouting at me.

French killer may strike again.
He wants mort.

When Chelsea's physio comes on the TV, I do the same thing.

I hate those people that go door to door trying to convert others to joining their gym.
For the last time, I do not want to become a member of Jehova's Fitness!

"Did you not hear the front door go this morning? My girlfriend asked.
"No," I replied, "But I'm betting some Gypos took it."

My friends have given me the nickname 'Teflon'.
It won't stick.

My mate reckons every time he goes to the local skip, he hears voices.
I've been and I've never heard such rubbish.

Why are the slender protuberances from eukaryotic cells more comical than the flagella found on prokaryotic cells? Because the former are cilia! (In reality, they are not "sillier" and are, if anything, more motile due to sinosoidal undulations!!).

I was on a charity obstacle course race with my wife when she fell, hit her head and died whilst attempting to climb over a wall.
I got over it.