I saw a drunken German Amy Winehouse impersonator collapse in the street today.
I asked her if I should call someone. She said "nein, nein, nein"

I was having a great time at a party the other night when all of a sudden I got hit in the face with a roll of toilet roll.
Wiped the smile right off my face.

Haemophiliacs; they're bleedin' all over the place!

So i heard this new E-coli disease causes major problems to your digestive system and kidneys...
Gutted.

I took a girl back to mine the other night. We went to bed and I started to undress. She looked puzzled and said,
"I thought you said you had at least a foot!"
I went, "No! I said I had athletes foot."

The accelerator on my DeLorean got stuck down but I managed to catch it in time.

My wife's leaving me because she says I'm to much of a coward.
Well, I stood right up and told her what I thought about her, as soon as she left.

I always get the urge to tell fart jokes, but I never follow through with it.

I've got a mate with no confidence at all and I call him the Frightened Balloon.
He's just so scared of being let down.

I Klingon to all hope that there will be another season of Star Trek.

Business in my pub has been way down since I fitted it with draught excluders.

I congratulated a toilet cubicle earlier.
It was recently engaged

What do you call a camp Jedi?
Obi Have

A well-known rodeo performer has died in hospital, his death is being blamed on the physiotherapy he was receiving.
Fans have got together and released a tribute song - Physio killed the rodeo star.

I think that if Apple started making footwear, it would cause some major iShoes.

It's very frustrating.
I want a book on how to fix automatic gearboxes....
.... but the library only has manuals

I let a jamacian cut and style my hair.
It looks dreadful.

What's the difference between Christians & Polar Bears.
Christians pray in chapels & polar bears prey on Chapples.

I can see why people like comfort food but I'm not so keen on the drink, tastes like fabric conditioner.

The manager of DFS has been spotted outside the local primary school giving away suites

I was arrested for stealing an electric car after the battery ran flat.
I was released without charge.

Libya - the only country whose national credit rating has the same name as its capital city.

Women are like lawn mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

I went to Old Trafford today to enquire about hiring a box.
They didn't have any so I had to stand on my mate's shoulders.

Did you hear about the middle-eastern sprinter?
Iran