I spent much of my childhood in an oven.
It's just how I was raised.

I took my kids to feed the lions at the zoo today.
They ate the bones and everything.

I was going to tell a gag about the army, but it's a private joke.

My ex text me today saying, "I know we haven't spoken in a while but my aunt on my mum's side died today."
I replied, "I didn't even notice she had a Siamese twin."

My father's been talking to me from beyond the grave.
It's nice, but why does he insist we meet in the cemetery?

I went to one of those dating agencies the other day.
They took one look at me and said "25th March 1976".
Well impressed.

I went to watch that film where Tom Hanks gets really old really quick but accidentally rented Philadelphia.
Big mistake.

Been asked to do a stand up gig for a dried fruit company, just waiting for them to get back to me with some dates.

The submarine division of the French Navy are the best at covert operations.
They are naturally gifted when it comes to a sub mission.

In my first driving test I got three minors and a major...
The soldier was fine but the kid's parents were mortified.

When my daughter, Laura, was 8, my wife told her we were thinking of having another baby girl.
She worked it out and said '...That'll makes 2 of us.'
Impressed with how quickly she understood the concept, my wife said 'That's right, sweetie. 2 little angels.'
Laura said 'No, I mean Daddy's friend got me pregnant too'

I caught my 10 year old daughter masturbating with fruit earlier...
She must've got confused when I told her "That's where the man goes"

Mathematicians that refuse to use the Mode and Median averages are just Mean.

I saw a girl walking down the street struggling to carry a huge flight of stairs
I pulled up beside her, smiled, and said "Need a lift?"

That English actor from House will be saying a few words at Eddie Stobarts funeral.
His family say that an articulated Laurie, would be the best vehicle for the eulogy.

I found some fish fingers, today.
Oh well... Findus keepers.

I was chucked out of a seance last night.
The medium asked if I had a spirit guide and I said "Yes, it's Trevor at Bargain Booze."

Tested out my new golf swing today. I swing one handed with a finger up my nose. It's not as good as i thought it would be. I kept getting bogeys at every hole.

The wife woke me up at five o'clock this morning to nip down the shop for the papers.
I think she might have a serious cannabis problem.

I was downloading a video from the net about how germs can cause flu.
I ended up with a streaming cold.

I changed my Facebook status: "Women just don't think I'm funny."
Luckily I noticed that I missed a fullstop after "think" and managed to rectify the situation before any harm was done.

I dont know what everyone's so upset about.
I love cutting up onions.

After my wife kicked me out, I hit the road
Which is probably how I broke my knuckles.

In an ideal world, I'd work in a casino.

I'm scared of buddhism.
Think I've got zenophobia.