I just saw on Facebook that my friend is attending - 'Singles Darts Tournament'.
I can't imagine it being the best place to meet women to be honest.

Just killed some flat round fish with a sharp tail and had his eyes transplanted in my eye sockets.
My ex-ray vision is brilliant.

My mate asked me how many seconds it takes for me to think up a pun about songs.
"It takes two," I replied.

Stallones son is dead?
It's a good job I'm a cannibal, Sage goes well with pork.

I think I may be addicted to horoscopes,
I can see the signs!

I don't like when people use big words to describe another word.
It's pretentious.

My mate asked if I wanted to take part in their world record attempt at balloon bursting so I thought I'd give it a pop.

Just got caught at customs, trying to smuggle drugs in my bra.... 36 E's.
Good job they didn't find the crack in my knickers...

What do u call a smoky doll?
Barbie Q!

I want to be noticed for my work as a photographer,
But I don't have the exposure.

My mate has just set up a new haulage company in exporting snails
Les Cargo

As soon as I introduced myself to her, last night's date just walked away and never came back.
Not to worry,
It ended on a Hi.

I keep seeing all this stuff on the news about "Rio 2016".
Surely he will have retired by then?

My mate was trapped in a burning house, but then strolled casually out with a fun bag and a piece of cake.
Must have been friendly fire.

I'm creating a film about a floatation device that convinces a man to marry its mother.
I call it about a buoy.

I was teaching my daughter how to use letters and numbers together, I started with:
i 1 2 4 Q
Bless her, still trying to work it out.

A real astronaut would name his rocket after Sergio Ramos

What did Bruce Lee get for Christmas?
ATOY!

Sky 'The following broadcast is rated 18 as it contains scenes which some viewers may find distressing'.
Enjoy The Manchester derby featuring Tevez and Lescott's faces.

chocolate caramel digestives
could life be sweeter

What's the similarity between my poker game and my body?
Too many folds.

I came into the kitchen yesterday and saw my wife searching frantically in the kitchen.
'What are you looking round for?' I asked. 'My keys' she replied, 'I can't find them anywhere.'I meant what are you looking round for, fatty? You were a normal shape when I married you'

I thought I wasn't going to go down too well with my new inmates
But it seems they were impressed

I was watching some thick, dark clouds on TV the other day...
Just before the watershed.

I hate learning languages with a cold.
Though it does make me fluent.