Every time my wife mensturates, she insists on wearing different coloured clothes.
She's currently going through a red period.

I think it's safe to say that since I started doing origami regularly, my ability has increased 10 fold.

I love going to the Boulangerie but I always leave with a Pain!

Muslims: Muhammed is everywhere.
British: Muhammeds are everywhere.

Nice guys always finish last
Which is why they are great at soggy biscuit.

I joined a bobsleigh team a few years ago.
It all went downhill from there.

I was offered a job once at the Waldorf making salads.
Turned it down though, the celery wasn't big enough.

I like to steal food from babies, I know I'll get in big trouble if I get caught.
But that's a rusk I'm willing to take.

I've been up all night working on a cold case.
24 bottles of Stella.

I met my mate today. We were both wearing the same T-shirts depicting an Argentinean revolutionary.
Two Che!

I saw that blonde bird from my name is Earl at the local gym this morning.
She said if I could beat her record of 8ft in height on the trampoline she'd give me a blow-job.
I was jumping for Joy.

My mum once told me " As one door closes another one opens"
I don't think she realised how many advent calendars that'll be costing her.

I asked my Italian friend which part of Scotland Elgin is in?
He said thats a'Moray.

I was busy making fun of the leper next door when suddenly he started giving me lip.
His upper lip to be precise.

I had a very nervous guitar playing friend.
He was always fretting about something.

I like to do my raping under the cover of darkness.
That way, if there are any witnesses, Justin Hawkins will get the blame.

KFC have decided that due to the current economic climate its employees will receive chicken instead of a pay rise. Strike action is expected after workers described the pay increase as "paltry".

im going to stand up against the teachers in our school,
lets just say its going to go down in history

I have dedicated the last 30 years of my existence studying old English castles.
My life is in ruins.

I was in the restaurant with my wife and we still hadn't had our order taken after half an hour. I eventually pulled the waiter and demanded to be served, so he climbed on top of the table and started break dancing.

I got fired from work today.
I think the "Your Mum" joke went too far at lunch when my boss claimed that his chicken "tastes like fish".

That's odd. Every time I pick up my pint of beer I feel a draught.

I hate it when people stare at me when i talk to myself. How ignorant can they be? I'm trying to have a conversation.

Duct tape.
Say no more.

My wife's just lost our second baby.
She's got Alzheimer's.