I'm going to skip Easter this year and not have any chocolate.
All I need is willpower and a skipping rope.

I saw barrel of oil perform at a comedy club the other day.
He was slick but his jokes were crude.

If you quit your job as a barber.
Do you get a leaving do?

What do mexicans put on their skin?
Olay!

In an effort to conserve energy, my local council have told me that I need to turn off 50% of the lights in my pizzeria
Theyr'e taking the pizz

A noun and a verb were dating but they split up because the noun was too possessive.

I've applied for a job as a plastic surgeon... You know, operating on women's breats and such. I've heard it can be very stressful but it does have its perks.

Now I know why all the Paki's are moving here.
Drains.

I wish my son would stop masturbating while watching Lord of the rings.
It's a disgusting Hobbit.

My wife got injured through a nasty slip.
She looked a mess in it, so I punched her.

I tried to find humour in everything.
I don't understand anagrams.

Cut myself on a piano key this morning.
Didn't realise it was a G sharp

When I came back from Colombia I got stopped by customs officials acting on a tip off that I was carrying cocaine.
It was okay though, my girlfriend took the wrap.

I had to split up with my girlfriend, ever since she's become a tour guide in China she's been doing my head in.
In fact the last time i went to visit her she drove me up the Wall.

Im so excited for the annual flashers convention next week. I can barely contain myself

I've been trying to wash myself with a bar of soap for the past week but it's getting out of hand.

As I was wading through 2000 emails this morning at work, I thought to myself;
Was it really necessary to print them all?

I hate it when I see dips on the road.
Especially when I don't have any Doritos in the car with me.

My mates been trying to convince me to publicise my jokes for some time now.
Finally, I submitted.

The Universe, its out of this world

A friend of mine started a business making doughnuts.
In the end he gave up on the hole thing.

I slept with an old girlfriend last night. I suppose you could say she's got the X Factor.
Well, she is my Ex and I Factor.

The new arab xbox 360 game.
Qatar Hero.

I've had vinyl flooring laid throughout the house.
It has a warmth that CD flooring can't match.

I was given the death penalty today.
To be fair, it was probably only a free-kick.