I was given the death penalty today.
To be fair, it was probably only a free-kick.

Lost my remote... I don't know who to turn to

Way Way Way Way Way Way Way Way Way Way Way Way Way Way Way
That's way too much.

Peyton Manning is treat like a hero just because he's got a great throw? I think my gran has been overlooked, you should see the one she knitted last week.

The composer Frederick Delius was, they say, a Norwich City supporting TV cook.
But that's probably a Delius myth.

After falling overboard on a cruise ship, I awoke on an Island surrounded by mountains made of cake and rivers of custard.
I think it was a dessert Island.

My wife Olivia died so I thought I'd cash in on the inheritance. The solicitor told me this was impossible.
Apparently he'd lost the will to Liv.

I joined the National Trust last week.
Now I believe everyone I meet.

AT OM
Who said splitting the atom was complex!

Painting your Front Door?
Tip for the day,
Don't Knock it til you've dried it.

Apparently, I constantly say things the round way wrong.

I've just opened an off licence.
Technically, it's breaking and entering but I needed a drink.

My Dad had a stroke yesterday.
He's all right now.

I can't see Brown staying in much longer to be honest.
A turtle's head has just formed in my ringpiece in the last 30 seconds.

I love people with bad taste and they love me.

I often attend eavesdrop anonymous.
Not that they know.

When I heard the ferry carrying the transplant organs had capsized, my heart sank.

I love my Pulmonary Artery, from the bottom of my heart.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? One .... Two, and a-one two three four.

Amateur Neorological surgery can be nerve wrecking.

Sky news -
'US Toddler ages seven times faster than normal people'
Ironically, her mum is a right dog.

We were up before a 4 foot 6 ins Judge last week.
Thought to myself, "Little things are sent to try us".

This French guy came up to me and said: "Le monde." Then walked off.
It meant the world to me.

I make my own fireworks.
I have a flare for it.

Made a killng at the races yesterday.
I had to put down a horse in the 3.40 at Haydock.