I've bought a new pet that commits suicide at parties,
Bit of a one trick pony.

I stand on the streets selling small porcelain dolls holding fishing rods.
I help the Gnomeless.

If abortion is murder then is using a condom kidnapping?

How did pirates cross out mistakes on treasure maps?

Had a shootout with some Asian in the park this morning.
It was a Thai.

I was building a really scary house the other day.
I was literally bricking it.

Despite removing all the stains, I still lost my job as a Church window cleaner.

My girlfriend comes home late at night smelling of candy floss, I think she's having a fair.

My black mate Winston refuses to listen to music if it's recorded in mono.
He's your typical stereo type.

Dumped my wife's body in the local sewage works last night..
She always said that when she died she wanted to be interred.

Next Halloween me and my mate are going as a plate and a bowl.
Girls love doing dishes.

My wife said she was leaving me last night due to my obsession with averages. I told her she was being mean.

It's funny how the word bed... looks like a bed!

BBC News: "Bin Laden 'fathered four children' while on the run".
Time for me to take up jogging

A fund raiser knocked on my door asking for money for sufferers of the Ugandan nodding disease. As a victim myself, I couldn't say no.

While getting dressed for a Shakesperean play, I put my tights on backwards. My fellow thespians laughed at me so I changed, only to have the tights on inside out. Again, they roared with laughter.
It was at that moment I realized I was mentally leotarded.

I've just registered for the 'World bubble wrap bursting championship'. I haven't got much of a chance but I thought I'd have a pop.

My friend is going out with an absolute diamond!
Yeh he did a bit of carbon-dating.

My wife died from something terminal.
I pushed her off a roof at Heathrow Airport.

I've become a terrible alcoholic ever since I had my hands amputeed.
I can't handle my drink.

I tried to get on the London Eye today but it was not working - it was on the blink.

My mum text me saying, "What does IDK, LY and TTYL mean?"
I answered, "I don't know, love you, talk to you later."
She replied, "Ok, I'll ask your sister."

Beginners guides? Don't get me started on those.

My mum used to always say, "Strike while the iron's hot".
A lot of postman must have some immaculate uniforms at the moment.

I just had a missed call from Chris Tarrant.
He left a message that said, "For a million pounds, what famous Stephen King book featured a clown?"
I should have answered It.