I recently purchased a novelty sized rubber stamp
It's made quite an impression.

Fool people into thinking youve got a horse by taking off a unicorns horn

My wife told me I was too impatient,
I said " I haven't got time for this."

My wife asked me to do something that will lighten her mood today.
So I threw a lamp at her.

I've started my own See Saw manufacturing company.
Business is up and down.

I keep all my puff pastry recipes in alphabetical order in my Filofax.

I was at the airport ready to book myself on the flight. When I got to the desk the woman asked,
"Will you be wanting to check in any luggage sir?"
"Sure," I replied "I wouldn't mind a peek in that blonde girl's case, she looks like she may have some kinky underwear."

You just can't beat a feminist.

With the prices of energy so high these days, ive chosen to change my energy source.
I'm saving 18p a week by switching from Relentless to Lucozade.

I was once in a film.
I have very oily skin and I fell in a puddle.

I just robbed a load of musical instruments from a shop in town.
It was easy, everything went accordion to plan.

My father died in a terrible car accident.
He was driving a Reliant Robin.

I've installed a mimefield around my house. Silent but deadly.

I think the Jews are getting a lot more credit than they deserve,
I'm always hearing people say "With all Jew respect."

I've crossed a spirit level with a funeral.
Sad but true.

My parents have just had a huge row over who's getting what inheritances when they die.
It was a battle of wills.

My mate said I should sell my car and walk to work instead.
I said, "no thanks, I've been down that path before"

Last night I performed a magic act in which I encased everyone watching in rocks and minerals.
The audience was in ore.

All these problems in the EU with Greece.
Has no one heard of Cilit Bang?

Some guy dressed as a North American Indian tried to start a fight with me, today.
I said, " Come on Navajo, if you think you're hard enough."

I was telling a lad at rugby training that I'd given up learning to be a ventriloquist.
Then I sold him a dummy.

I really hate spider plants.
They're by far the most difficult shots in snooker.

The trouble with using a disabled toilet is it doesn't flush.

I don`t know why French people eat horse meat...
...It gives me the trots.

My wife is in a bit of a pickle.
From what I can gather that's the best way to preserve her.